Random Bleach Tales
by Agent HUNK
Summary: A collection of random Bleach ficlets. Expect insane moments between your favorite characters, and scenes that will leave you laughing uncontrollably. Mostly In Character, with a few self-inserts. Chapter 19: New Merchandise.
1. Chapter 1

I had a few random ideas, so I decided to form a collection of ficlets and shorts. Most, if not all, will be comedy. So fluff lovers may not enjoy the fic that much...

If you have any suggestions of ideas, I would greatly appreciate them. I only have enough ideas right now for 2 chapters max.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

* * *

**Better Left Unknown**

Byakuya Kuchiki and Renji Abarai walked calmly down the streets of the Soul Society. They had just finished a mission, having slayed a rather large and powerful Hollow. Not suprisingly, neither of the two Soul Reapers had a scratch on them. As they walked along silently, Renji appeared to be in deep thought. Something was obviously on his mind. "Captain Kuchiki?" he asked.

Byakuya glanced over at him, not uttering a word. _What does he want?_

"We've been comrades for a long time," Renji pointed out.

_I don't like where this is going..._ Byakuya thought.

"We could consider ourselves friends, I suppose..." Renji shrugged. "We've helped each other out many times."

_I really don't like where this is going..._

"Like that time that chick at the salon screwed up and butchered your hair, and I helped you find a wig..." Renji reminisced.

_Why did he have to bring that up?_

"And that time that idiot messed up my tatoos, and you got him to give me a refund..." Renji smirked at the memory.

_All I did was glare at the guy... _Byakuya continued to look sideways at Renji.

"So I'm sure we can trust each other with certain information..." Renji commented.

_I swear, if he says he's gay, I'm killing him. No questions asked._ Byakuya thought to himself.

"So can you answer a personal question for me?" Renji looked over at his Captain.

"I suppose..." Byakuya replied.

"Okay..." Renji nodded. "Answer honestly..."

"What is it?" Byakuya sighed.

"Do you have the hots for your sister?" Renji asked.

---

Renji didn't wake up from the come he was beaten into for three weeks.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Don't ask a Shinigami personal questions.

Poor Renji... Curiousity killed the cat, I suppose.

* * *

**Rabbit Stew**

_Rabbit stew... Why did it have to be rabbit stew?_ Ichigo looked nervously at the meal his sister had prepared. He loved rabbit stew, but how would Rukia respond when he brought some upstairs to her? He had figured out a an easy way to bring her food lately. Once done with dinner, he would take a spare plate upstairs to his room "just in case" he got hungry again later. It worked pretty good, and nobody asked questions.

"What's wrong Ichigo? Is something the matter?" Yuzu asked her brother.

"Oh no, everything's fine!" Ichigo shook his head.

"Is the stew okay?" Yuzu asked.

"Yeah, yeah," Ichigo nodded. "It's perfect." _Which is why I'm afraid of what Rukia will say..._

"Hurry up and eat, son! You need to eat all you can so you will grow up to be big and strong, like your old man!" Isshin flexed his muscles.

"Somebody's got an ego..." Karin commented as she quietly ate her dinnger.

Once everyone was done eating, Ichigo went back up to his room. He took a 2nd helping of rabbit stew with him, saying he would eat it later. He figured that he would just tell Rukia it was something else. _Yeah, that'll work..._

"What did you bring me?" Rukia stuck her head out of the closet the moment Ichigo closed the door behind him.

"Stew," Ichigo held up the plate.

"Great, I'm starving!" Rukia jumped out and ran over to Ichigo. With the table manners of a caveman, she began to stuff her face. "This is good," she commented through a mouth-full of her favorite animal.

"Yeah... yeah..." Ichigo nervously nodded. _Okay, she's totally oblivious. Looks like there won't be any problems._

"Ichigo!" Yuzu yelled from downstairs, "I'm putting the rest of the rabbit stew in the refridgerator, in case you want another helping later tonight!"

Rukia dropped her fork and stared at Ichigo.

"Um..." Ichigo took a step back, "Well, you didn't ask what kind of-"

---

Ichigo had a hard time explaining to his family how he fell out his window covered in rabbit stew.

* * *

Moral of the story: Rukia loves rabbits and hates rabbit stew. 

I've never eaten rabbit stew... And now I probably never will, as I do not enjoy being pushed out windows.

Reviews would be nice to recieve! Advice, criticism, comments, flames, anything would be nice! So please review! Thanks for reading my story!


	2. Chapter 2

Here's a little thing me and my friend thought up... After reading all the reports and news and stuff, this came to mind.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, Nintendo, or the Nintendo Wii.

* * *

**Wii Do What? **

"Check it out!" Ichigo exclaimed as he barged into his room.

"Shhhhhh!" Kon hushed him from across the room. He was sitting on top of Ichigo's bed and was watching the tv that Ichigo had recently bought. "Rukia is taking a nap!"

"Hm?" Ichigo tilted his head towards the closet. The gentle sound of soft snooring reached his ears. "Oh... well..."

"Wassat?" Kon pointed at the box in Ichigo's hands.

"It's the Nintendo Wii!" Ichigo held the box up triumphantly.

"The what now?" Kon jumped to his feet. He had no idea what it was, but it must have been cool for Ichigo to be holding it up so high.

"The Nintendo Wii. It's a video game system!" Ichigo put the box down on his bed. "It's cutting edge stuff..."

"It's just a box..." Kon stared at the cardboard container.

"Um... the system is inside the box..." Ichigo tore into the box and dug around inside it. After a few seconds of struggling, he yanked out a large white object. "Ta-da!"

"Oooooooooohhhh..." Kon stared at the video game system, stary-eyed by the sheer coolness of it. "Set it up! Set it up!"

A few minutes later, Ichigo and Kon had set up the Wii. Ichigo popped in a game and grabbed the controller. "Hmmm..." Ichigo stared at the object. "How does this work?"

"It says," Kon grabbed the instruction booklet, "You swing it around to control the game. Take a few practise swings!"

Ichigo shrugged. Rearing back, he swung his arms as hard as he could. The small white controller rocketed out of his hands, bounced off the wall in front of him, and bounced back at him.

**_WHAM!!!_**

"YEAAARRGH!!!" Ichigo screamed as the plastic missile of death slammed into his forehead. The force of the blow hurled him backwards, straight through the closet door.

Kon stared at the dark doorway, waiting for some sign of life. After a few seconds, the dust cleared. "Um... Ichigo? You alright?"

"Um... Hi, Rukia?" Ichigo's voice weakly stammered inside the closet.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?! GET OUT, YOU PERVERT!!!" Rukia's voice shrieked.

**_SMACK!!!_**

Ichigo stumbled out of the closet and attempted to regain his balance. A small handprint was tattooed on the right side of his face, and a large bruise had formed in the center of his forehead. "Ow..."

"Yeah, it says to wear a safety strap..." Kon checked the manual again.

"What's all this about?" Rukia emerged from the wreckage of her closet.

"Ichigo got a Wii!" Kon pointed at Ichigo.

"A what now?" Rukia raised an eyebrow.

"Its a video game system..." Ichigo pointed at the tv. "You swing the controller, and the person in the game on tv does stuff..."

"Oooh, let me see it!" Rukia wrenched the controller from Ichigo's grip.

"Wait, you have to-" Ichigo tried to warn her, but it was too late. With all her might, Rukia swung her arms.

Chaos followed. The controller struck the tv, leaving a large crack in it. It then bounced back and went through Kon, obliterating most of his stomach and its stuffing contents. Kon stood there stupified, shocked by his sudden loss of body mass. The controller continued its spree of destruction, flying out Ichigo's window and destroying the glass pane. It flew off into the sunset, and the sounds of tires screeching echoed in the distance, followed by several loud metallic crashes. A few minutes later, sirens were heard.

"He did it," Rukia pointed at Ichigo as she dove back into the safety of her closet.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Don't trust Rukia with new video game systems. 

Has anybody else actually played one of those things? They are AWSOME!!!

* * *

**Crabby**

"So how do you like the Beach?" Ichigo sighed as he stretched out on the towel he had set up beneath the shade of an umbrella.

"It's interesting..." Rukia replied from the towel next to him as she allowed a handfull of sand to trickel between her fingers. "They don't have these back in the Soul Society..."

"That place doesn't have a lot of things, does it?" Ichigo scoffed.

"I'm hungry," Rukia suddenly sat up, "Where's some food?"

"We're at the beach, so we should get some seafood," he looked around for a food stand.

"Seafood?" she was confused. "Aren't you supposed to be able to see food?"

"No, you idiot," Ichigo rolled his eyes. "Seafood is fish, or other animals from the sea. See? Sea... food..."

"Um..." Rukia blinked dumbly, "Okay..."

"Look," Ichigo pointed over her shoulder. She turned around and saw a small hut with a carboard crab in front of it. "A seafood shack. I'll be right back."

"Hey, that rhymed..." Rukia muttered as Ichigo got up and walked off. A few minutes later, Ichigo returned carrying some truely strange items. "What are those?"

"Crab-on-a-stick!" Ichigo held up two impaled crustaceans. "Steamed soft-shelled crab stuck on a sharp stick. Taste good, and cheap too. You can just bite into it... no shell cracking or anything."

"Um..." Rukia stared at the dead critter. "You want me to eat that?"

"Well, yeah..." Ichigo handed her one of the crabs as he laid on his stomach on his towel. "Eat up."

"Okay..." Rukia broke off one of the legs and nibbled on it. "This isn't too bad, actually..."

"See?" Ichigo bit off a hunk of his crustacean. "It's good..." Ichigo noticed a small sandcrab staring up at him. "What's wrong, little fellow?" Ichigo held the impaled crab in front of its comrade and grinned wickedly. "Am I eating your uncle?" The sand crab skittled off sideways.

"Ichigo, that was mean!" Rukia exclaimed, her crab almost entirely eaten.

"Whaaaaat? It's not like he understood me!" Ichigo laughed. "Wait... wassat?" he turned over. His entire back was covered in sandcrabs. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"Hm..." Rukia watched as Ichigo jumped to his feet and began to run in circles.

"OW OW OW!!! GET 'EM OFF ME!!! OW!!!" Ichigo clawed at the pinching demons that wouldn't come off his back. "AAAAAAAHHH!!!"

"Serves you right..." Rukia picked up Ichigo's unfinished crab-on-a-stick, having already eaten her own. "Are you gonna eat the rest of this?" Ichigo, too busy removing demonic crustaceans from his persona, didn't answer. "I'll take that as a no," Rukia smiled happily.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Crabs don't take kindly to having their uncles murdered and eaten before their own eyes. 

No, there is no such thing as crab-on-a-stick. It would probably hurt like heck to bite into it. But fried crab claws rock!

Review my story and I'll give you a crab-on-a-stick!


	3. Chapter 3

Yeah, I'm going to really need those suggestions... This is the last half-decent idea I have been able to come up with. Well, that and Character Interviews. But I don't know if people like those that much... Please let me know in your interview if you would like to see Interviews and Debates between certain characters.

Now, on with the show.

* * *

**Cash or Credit?**

"Thank you, come again!" Urahara waved at the customer as he strolled out the door. He may have normally catered to the needs of Shinigami, but he also ran a candy store for humans. He didn't get that many customers, human or Soul Reaper, but business wasn't terrible. If things got slow, he could always bounty hunt Hollows for a quick buck.

**_Ring-ling._**

_Ooooooh, a customer!_ Urahara looked up from beneath the brim of his funny hat. He didn't see anyone. _Huh?_

"Ahem," somebody coughed. He looked down at two young girls, one raven haired and the other blonde.

"Hello there! What can I get for you?" Urahara grinned.

"Just a few candy bars," the dark-haired girl replied.

"You look familiar... Have you come in here before?" Urahara studied the two girls.

"Nope, I don't think so..." the blonde girl replied.

"I'm sure I've met you before. Or somebody a lot like you..." he scratched his chin.

"Maybe you've met our brother? Ichigo Kurasaki?" the blonde girl asked.

"Ichigo? Are you his sisters?" Urahara smiled. "He's one of my best customers!"

"No, we're his aunts," the raven hair girl rolled her eyes.

_Yep, they're related..._ he frowned at the rude girl. "What did you say your names were?"

"I'm Yuzu!" the blonde girl pointed to herself, and then at her sister. "And this is Karin!"

"I see..." Urahara typed at the cash register. "That'll be 10 yen..."

"Put it on our brother's tab," Karin grinned as she took the candy bars from Urahara.

"No problem," Urahara smirked. He bid the two girls farewell, and then waited for another customer.

**_Ring-ling!_**

"Hello there!" he greeted the two people that walked in. "How can I..." _Uh oh._

Two Soul Reapers glared at Urahara as they entered the store. "Excuse me," the red haired and tattooed Shinigami addressed Urahara,"We're looking for a criminal."

"Criminal, you say?" Urahara tilted his hat down slightly to hide his face.

"Yes. Have you seen this woman?" the Soul Reaper held up a small picture. Urahara was started by what he saw, but didn't show it.

"Nope," he shook his head. "Who is she?"

"Rukia Kuchiki," the Shinigami growled. "She's wanted for serious crimes against the Soul Society."

"Oh... I'll keep my eyes open," Urahara nodded. "Anything else?"

"Hmmm..." the dark haired Shinigami, who had been silent through the interogation, suddenly stepped forward. "You seem familiar."

"Oh really?" Urahara casually replied. _Think fast, Urahara... _

**_CRASH!!!!_**

**_WHAM!!!!!_**

"ARGH!!!" the red haired Soul Reaper yelled as something smashed through Urahara's window and nailed him in the back of the head. "WHAT WAS THAT?!" the Shinigami jumped back to his feet.

"It came from outside! Somebody threw it through the window, and then ran off!" Urahara pointed at the shattered window.

"Grrrr..." the Soul Reaper rushed out the door. "COME BACK HERE!!!"

"Hmph..." the dark-haired Shinigami calmly walked out the door after him.

"Thank you! Come again!" Urahara waved after them. "Phew..." he sighed after they had left He picked up the small object that had struck the Soul Reaper. _What the heck is this thing?_ Urahara thought as he looked at the small Nintendo Wii remote.

* * *

Moral(s) of the Story: Urahara's windows aren't bullet proof, and Rukia has got quite a throwing arm. 

I know, that story was pointless. I'm flat out of ideas now. Well, I guess I'll do a Debate. People liked those in my Hellsing stories...

* * *

**Debate**

"Goooooood evening, readers!" Kon jumped up on a stage and yelled into a microphone. "Welcome to today's debate! We have two contestants..." Kon pointed at two empty podiums behind him. "And a jury who will decide who wins the arguement!" Kon pointed at a jury box on the side of the stage. It had occupants, however. Ichigo, Urahara, Chad, Ishida, Tatsuki, Isshin, Karin, Yuzu, Byakuya, and Renji were sitting in it, and most of them looked bored.

"Why are we here?" Renji grumbled. "This is pointless!"

"I've got better things to do..." Tatsuki growled.

"Patience is a virtue," Chad pointed out.

"Shut up and let the talking teddy bear finish!" Karin yelled. Everyone went silent.

"Thank you," Kon nodded. "Anyway, todays debate is between Rukia and Orihime! The topic..." Kon looked at a small piece of paper in his hand, "WHO IS A BETTER GIRLFRIEND FOR ICHIGO?! WHO WROTE THIS?!"

"I did!" Agent HUNK walked out on the stage dragging Rukia and Orihime behind him. "Hi, folks. I hope you enjoy the show!"

"Put me down!" Rukia snarled.

"Let me go!" Orihime yelled.

Agent HUNK let go of the two girls by the podiums and then ran off the stage. "Have fun!"

"I guess I'd better get started..." Kon looked at the piece of paper in his paws. "First question... Who does Ichigo get along better with?"

"Me!" Rukia and Orihime both yelled. They then glared at each other and stared.

"Oooooh, cat fight!" Urahara smirked.

"I'm so nice to him, and he's nicer to me than anyone else!" Orihime boasted.

"I live with the guy!" Rukia pointed at Ichigo.

"That doesn't mean we get along!" Ichigo protested.

**_WHAM!!!_**

Ichigo flew out of the jury box upon being hit in the head by a microphone. "SHUT UP!!!" Rukia yelled.

"She wins," the remaining jury members pointed at Orihime.

"Okay, question 2..." Kon looked at the paper, "Who has the most similarities with Ichigo?"

"Me!" once again, both girls proclaimed victory.

"I've got the same color hair as him!" Orihime exclaimed.

"We're both Soul Reapers!" Rukia pointed out.

"Rukia wins," the jury agreed together after whispering together for a few seconds.

"Question 3..." Kon moved on to the next part, "Who does the jury think Ichigo would be best with?"

"Hmmm..." they all stopped to think.

"Rukia! They're both Soul Reapers!" Ishida yelled. "And they're both jerks..." he muttered under his breath.

"Orihime!" Renji yelled. "A human can't date a Shinigami!"

"Nonsense!" Isshin exclaimed. "Rukia and Ichigo are a PERFECT couple!"

"Orihime!" Tatsuki yelled. "Rukia's a friggin' alien thing!"

"Excuse me?" Renji growled. "Are you calling me a friggin' alien thing, too?"

"Rukia," Byakuya stated calmly in his usually stoic air.

"I don't like to choose between friends," Chad shook his head. "But I think Rukia may be best."

"Rukia!" Urahara yelled. "Because the whole show is about them!"

"He's got a point..." Ishida nodded calmly.

"Okay, so how many votes for Rukia?" Kon asked. Chad, Ishida, Isshin, Karin, Yuzu, and Byakuya raised their hands. "Orihime?" Tatsuki and Reni raised their hands. "RUKIA WINS!!!! But..." Kon smirked. "Since Ichigo is out cold and most likely has a concussion, I'll be glad to take his place and date Rukia for him!"

"Works for me!" Rukia smiled happily. She ran over to Kon, arms outstretched.

"Nii-saaaan!" Kon jumped into the air. But before he could reach his target destination...

---

"WAKE UP!!!" Ichigo's harsh voice rudely awoke Kon from his dream.

"Huh?" Kon looked up sleepily.

"Get off my pillow!" Ichigo grabbed Kon by the legs and hurled him across the room. With a soft squeek, he smashed into a wall and fell limply to the ground.

"Meh..." Kon sighed from the floor. "A guy can dream, can't he?"

* * *

Moral of the Story: Rukia and Orihime are very competative. 

Thanks for reading, folks! PLEASE review and give me some ideas!


	4. Chapter 4

Well, it seems the Debate was a hit. So was the Wii-mote... quite literally. Well, I'm out of ideas. So here's plan B: Character interviews!

* * *

**Interview: Ichigo Kurasaki**

_What happened?_ Ichigo rubbed his sore eyes. One minute he had been running to go fight a Hollow, and then the next thing he knew there was a bright flash of blinding light. As the vision in his eyes slowly returned, he stared at his surroundings. He was sitting on a sofa, his sword resting next to him. A video camera was watching him from across the room. "What's going on here?" he asked no one in particular.

"You're being interviewed," replied a voice next to him.

Ichigo jumped slightly and spun around to see who was with him. He figured he was still partially blind, because what he saw made no sense. "Who are you?!"

"I am Agent HUNK," answered the man behind the desk next to the sofa. He was wearing a black uniform and a bullet proof vest. He was also wearing a gas mask with red goggles, and a helmet. "I'm the author of this story."

(Check my bio for pictures if you need a better description.)

"What the heck are you talking about?!" Ichigo growled. "And what's with the crazy suit?"

"It looks cool," Agent HUNK (hereafter refered to as H) shrugged.

"Great... Did you say interviewed?" Ichigo asked.

"Oh, right," H pulled a clipboard out of his desk and flipped through some of the pages on it. "I'm going to ask a few questions, and hopefully you will answer them."

"I have a better idea," Ichigo grinned. "You let me go, and I won't cut you in half." Ichigo grabbed his Zanpakto and jumped to his feet.

"Ichigo, I would prefer it if you kept your seat," H pointed at the sofa.

"I don't think so! This is stupid! Send me back home now!" Ichigo snarled.

"Just answer a few questions first!" H stood up defiantly.

"Make me!" Ichigo dared him.

**_WAM!!!_**

The impact of the clipboard sent Ichigo sprawling to the floor. "SIT DOWN AND ANSWER THE DARN QUESTIONS!!!" H roared as he fished another clipboard out of his desk.

"Okay, okay..." Ichigo crawled back to the sofa. _Dang, he's got an arm..._

"First question..." H held up his new clipboard and tilted his head to the side. "What is your name, age, and occupation?"

Ichigo sighed. _Didn't he already say my name?_ "Ichigo Kurasaki, 15 years old, High School Student and Shinigami. Happy now?"

"Excellent," H scribbled something down on the papers. "Next question... How long have you been able to see spirits?"

"How did you know I can see spirits?" Ichigo didn't remember telling him that bit of info.

"Dude, I teleported you here. I can do magic and wierd stuff like that. I know everything," H chuckled.

"Then why are you asking me questions!? This is redundant!" Ichigo yelled.

"Are you going to answer the questions or not?" H held up his clipboard in a threatening manner.

"As long as I can remember..." the Soul Reaper mumbled.

"Hm..." H flipped through the pages on his clipboard. "You live with your dad, two sisters, a mod-soul, and Rukia Kuchiki. Correct?"

"Yeah..." Ichigo nodded. _I hate this guy. So much..._

"Tell me about them."

"Well, my dad is a psychopath."

"I see..."

"My sisters are alright. Karin can see spirits too."

"What about the mod-soul?"

"Kon. He's a pervert and a troublemaker."

"No kidding... And Rukia?"

"She gave me her powers."

"That's a big no-no in the Soul Society," H shook his finger in a scolding manner.

"Yeah, no kidding..." Ichigo growled. "As if enough people haven't told me that already!"

"Like who?"

"Like rooster head and Mr. Silent."

"Renji Abarai and Byakuya Kuchiki?"

"Yeah, whatever..."

"What about Urahara? You seem to see him often."

"Hat-and-clogs?" Ichigo raised an eyebrow. "He's a crazy fool who gets on my nerves."

"He saved you life."

"So?" Ichigo frowned.

"Okaaaay, talk about gratitude..." H muttered as he scribbled something down again.

"What are you writting down, anyway?" Ichigo leaned towards the desk.

"MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!" H smacked him over the head with the clipboard.

"YOU'RE FRIGGIN' PYSCHO!!!" Ichigo screamed.

"YOU'RE ONE TO TALK!!!" H roared back at him.

"Screw this, I've head enough!" Ichigo grabbed his Zanpakto again and held it high above his head.

"Uh oh!" H realized he would need more than a clipboard to deal with this problem. "Um... LOOK OVER THERE!!!" H pointed over Ichigo's shoulder. "RUKIA'S NAKED!!!"

"Huh?" Ichigo did a double take over his shoulder.

"YOU PERVERT!!!" H laughed as he hurled the clipboard at Ichigo's head.

**_FWACK!!!_**

"Urk!" Ichigo stumbled backwards. _Why does he keep hitting me in the head?!_

"Okay, you can go home now..." H clapped his hands together twice. "See ya!"

Another blinding flash of light later, Ichigo was standing in the middle of the street he had been running down earlier. "Huh?" Ichigo looked around. _Okay... I'm going to pretend that none of that ever happened... And that it was all a dream..._ Ichigo thought to himself as he ran off to fight the Hollow as earlier intended.

Twenty minutes later, Ichigo trudged into his room, his face a myriad of emotions, with Kon trailing behind him. "What's wrong, Ichigo?" Rukia looked up from the magazine she was reading.

"It's a long story. First I have a dream some lunatic kidnaps me, and then that ego-maniac of a Quincy beats me to the Hollow..." Ichigo grumbled as he plopped down on the bed. "This day can't get much worse..."

"Oh yeah, some guy named H called earlier. He said you left your wallet at his place..." Rukia drove the final nail into the coffin.

"Why me?" Ichigo asked weakly. "Why me?"

* * *

Moral of the Story: Ichigo must be horrible at job interviews. 

Please review and tell me what you thought. If you liked it, I'll do more interviews later on... If you hated it, I won't. Flames are accepted!


	5. Chapter 5

Hey folks, I'm going to be out of town for awhile, so no updates for 4 days. And don't worry, More Random Hellsing Tales isn't dead. I'm just a bit... stuck... I'll update it next week, though. Don't worry.

Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN BLEACH OR FURBIE!!!

* * *

**Crabby II**

"Hey Ichigo..." Rukia looked up from the magazine she was reading.

"Hm?" Ichigo didn't bother to turn his attention from the object in front of him.

"What are you going to do with him?" Rukia asked.

"Oh, I dunno..." he grinned at the small crab sitting in the box on the ground in front of him. "I found the recipe for Crab-On-A-Stick, though."

"Ichigo!" she yelled. "That poor little thing is terrified, and you're actually considering eating him?!"

"HE BIT ME!!!" Ichigo turned around and pulled up the back of his shirt. His entire back was covered in bandages. "I HAVE THE RIGHT TO EAT HIM!!!"

"But he's so... cute!" Ichigo gazed at the innocent looking crustacean.

_I'll put him down your shirt later and see if you still think he's cute..._ Ichigo plotted mentally. "Cute?"

"Yeah... Don't kill him!" Rukia pleaded, grabbing onto Ichigo's leg from her seat on the floor. "Please!"

"Hey, watch out!" Ichigo flailed his arms as Rukia threw him off balance. "Woah!" he yelled as he fell backwards.

**_CRUNCH._**

Ichigo stared at Rukia, and Rukia stared at Ichigo. After a few seconds, Ichigo slowly sat up. Rukia gasped. "You killed him!"

"You knocked me down!" Ichigo pointed at the flattened box and even flatter crab. "YOU killed him!"

"I didn't land on him!" Rukia growled. "You did!"

"But it was your fault!" Ichigo yelled back at her.

"Poor little crab..." Rukia poked the crushed crustacean sadly. "I wish there was something we could do..."

"Well... I have an idea..." Ichigo slowly looked over his shoulder. Sprawled out on his bed, Kon was fast asleep.

"I think I know what it is..." Rukia grinned. Silently, the two Soul Reapers crept across the room. Rukia slipped her Death's Hand on and smiled. (A/N: I made up the name of her spirit-splitter glove thing... Sounds kinda cool, actually...)

"One...two..." Ichigo whispered. Kon opened his eyes slightly and looked up. His eyes shot open when he saw his two "friends" hovering over him. Before he could even scream, Rukia and Ichigo dove at him. "THREE!!!"

Rukia smashed her gloved hand into Kon, pulled his mod-soul pill out. The plushie body fell lightly to the bed, and Rukia grinned at her effeciency. "And now to revive Mr. Crabby," she smiled. She and Ichigo walked over to the dead crab and surveyed its corpse.

"I guess we just stuff the pill into it's mouth..." Ichigo pointed at the creature's mandibles.

"Okay..." Rukia stuffed the green orb into the dead crab's mouth. After a few seconds, the crab jumped to its feet and started to scitter away. "IT LIVES!!!"

"Catch him before he gets away!" Ichigo yelled.

"BACK OFF!!!" the crab spun around and snapped its claws menacingly. "YOU JERKS ARE PSYCHO!!!"

"Oh... right... Its still Kon..." Rukia frowned.

"What do you mean ITS STILL KON?!" the crab-Kon scurried towards her, his claws snapping wildly.

**_FWAM!_**

Rukia slammed her Death's Hand through the crab and removed Kon's mod-soul. Replacing it back in his plushie body, she ignored his constant insults and threats. "I'm sorry Mr. Crabby..." she sniffed sadly as she picked up the dead creature.

"I'm sorry..." Ichigo apologized, which would have shocked Rukia if she had been paying him full attention.

"It's okay..." Rukia shrugged, her mind on something else. "Where did you say you put that recipe for Crab-On-A-Stick?"

* * *

Moral of the Story: Rukia loves crabs, dead or alive.

* * *

**Furbie Loves You**

"WHAT IS THAT THING?!" Rukia shrieked, diving for the safety of her closet.

"It's a furbie..." Ichigo stared at the door Rukia was hiding behind.

"A what?" Rukia slid the door open slightly, allowing her a small field of vision.

"A furbie..." Ichigo held up the small black fuzz ball. With it's large ears, threatening beak, and soul-piercing eyes, it was no wonder Rukia was terrified.

"What kind of creature is it?" Rukia wouldn't open the closet any further.

"It's a toy!" Ichigo barked. "My sister gave it to me as a joke... I thought you would like it!"

"A toy?" Rukia opened her door slightly more and leaned her head out. "So it's harmless?"

"Yeah, it won't do anything to hurt you..." Ichigo handed her the toy.

"It's so soft..." she rubbed the furry toy. "It's kinda cute!"

Suddenly, the furbie's eyes widened, and it let out a shrill cry. "I LOVE YOU!!!"

"EEEEEK!!!!" Rukia shrieked She hurled the love-filled monster at the nearest wall and dove back into her closet.

"BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!" Ichigo fell to the floor laughing. He didn't know which was funnier: Rukia screaming or the furbie exploding into pieces on impact.

"IT'S POSSESSED!!!" Rukia screamed from inside her closet.

"No it's not..." Ichigo picked up the mangled remains of the toy.

"I... love... love... YOUUUUU!!!!!" the toy exploded into flames. Ichigo screamed in terror and suprise. He threw the toy out his window, wrenched open Rukia's door, and dove into the closet.

"Move over!" he yelled as he slammed the door shut behind him.

Dead silence followed.

"Told you..."

"Shut up..."

* * *

Moral of the Story: It's better to give than to recieve. And furbies are THE DEVIL!!!!! 

Me and my friend made both those stories up last night over the phone. Boy, are we both insane... Review, please! And thanks for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

Wow, so many good reviews! I suppose that I'll do another interview, since everyone seems to like those.

* * *

**Interview: Rukia Kuchiki**

_Where am I?_ Rukia glanced at her surroundings. A few seconds ago, she had been in Ichigo's room talking to him about their homework. Then there had been a wierd flash of light. And now she was sitting on a sofa in a dim-lit room, staring at the video camera in front of her. "What's going on? What's that thing?"

"Smile for the readers," a voice suddenly spoke up. Rukia jumped to her feet and turned to face this possible threat. She held her hands up in front of her, prepared to fight. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to spook you."

"Who are you?" Rukia snarled at the man sitting behind a desk, which was next to the sofa. He was wearing strange black clothing, with some sort of bizarre mask with red goggles and a helmet on. _He looks kinda familiar... _Rukia had seen people dressed like that in certain mangas before. Usually they were soldiers or something. "Are you a soldier?"

"No, I'm a writer. Please, take a seat," the man gestured at the sofa. "My name is Agent HUNK. You can call me H."

"The guy from the phone?" Rukia stared at the man in the funny clothes with the funny name. He nodded as an answer. "Why? What do you want?"

"I just want to have a civilized interview with the Soul Reaper named Rukia Kuchiki," the answered.

"How do you know my name?" Rukia sat down hesitantly. "How did I get here?"

"Its hard to explain," H shrugged. "But for now, just relax and please answer the questions I ask honestly."

"Why should I?" Rukia focused her gaze on the man to a fierce glare. "What purpose does this serve?"

"Oooh, you and that fiery spirit," H shook his head. "This is going to be fun... Um, okay. If you do this, I'll give you some dirt on Ichigo."

_Dirt?_ Rukia raised an eyebrow. "Why would I want to put soil on top of Ichigo?"

"Okay, let me rephrase that," H chuckled, "I'll give you some blackmail info on the poor guy. And maybe a manga or two."

"Okay, that works," Rukia smiled. "Ask away!"

"Alright. What is your name, age, and occupation?" H pulled a clipboard out of his desk and flipped through some of the pages in it.

"You already answered your own questions earlier," Rukia stared at H like he was an idiot.

"I know, but this is just for the sake of asking..." H shrugged.

"Why? It serves no purpose," Rukie replied.

"Okay, okay... What about your age?" H asked Rukia as he scribbled something down.

"It's rude to ask a woman her age," Rukia smirked.

"Hah! Sorry, I forgot about that..." H laughed. "Okay then... You know, you're a lot easier to interview than Ichigo."

"Oh really?" Rukia smiled, curious as to what Ichigo had done. "Why do you say that?"

"I had to hit him over the head several times to make him answer the questions!" H laughed as he playfully swung his clipboard.

_Why doesn't that suprise me?_ "Okay, what about the other questions?" Rukia returned the conversation to its original topic.

"Oh right..." H flipped through the papers. "You live with Ichigo Kurasaki and his family, as well as a mod-soul named Kon. Am I right?"

"Yes, you're right," Rukia replied.

"And how do you feel abou them?" H asked. "Honestly."

"Ichigo is a hard-headed idiot with a big heart, Kon is a hard-headed idiot with a perverted heart, Ichigo's dad is the epitomy of a hard-headed idiot, and his sisters are the epitomies of big hearts," Rukia answered the question with ease.

"Hmmm..." H scribbled a few things down. "I see... and you live in his closet?"

"Yes," Rukia nodded.

"I bet that is comfortable..." H chuckled. "You're an associate of Mr. Urahara, I am led to believe?"

Rukia narrowed her eyes. "How much do you know about him?"

"Rukia, Rukia," H shook his head. "I know more than you think I do."

"Then yes, we're bussiness associates," Rukia replied.

"And you have a brother named Byakuya?" H looked down at his clipboard. After a few seconds of silence, he looked back up at her. Rukia was staring at the floor. "Oh... right... I'm sorry, didn't realize that was a touchy subject. So..." H flipped through his notes. "Aha... Here's a good question."

"What is it?" Rukia looked back up at H.

"Why did you save Ichigo when you first met him? You didn't have to dive in front of him and almost get bitten in half..." H tilted his head from side to side.

"Er..." Rukia tried to think of an answer. _Why did I save him?_

"IS IT BECAUSE YOU LOOOOOOVE HIM?!" H suddenly yelled, jumped to his feet and leaning his face in close to Rukia's.

"WHAT?!" she jumped backwards, blushing vibantly.

"YOU LOVE CARROT-TOP, DON'T YA?!" H cackled like a madman.

"SHUT UP, MORTAL!!!" Rukia hissed as she kicked one of her legs up and slammed her foot into his face.

"Ow..." H took a few stumbling steps back and adjusted his mask. "That was rude, Rukia..."

"HOW DARE YOU INSINUATE THAT I HAVE ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR THAT FOOL!!!" Rukia yelled.

"Oooooh, touchy subject I see!" H sat back down in his chair and propped his legs up on the desk.

"Grrr," Rukia growled. _I'll show him... _She suddenly reached over, ripped the clipboard from H's hands, and slammed it down on his knees. The clipboard broke in half, and H fell backwards out of his chair, screaming in agony. "SHUT UP ABOUT THINGS THAT DO NOT CONCERN YOU!!!"

"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!? WHY SO MUCH VIOLENCE?!" H rolled around on the floor, clutching his knees.

"Because it is the answer the everything," she replied calmly as she sat back down on the sofa.

"YOU'RE PSYCHOTIC!!!" H yelled as he banged his fists on the floor in pain.

"You're not exactly the most sane person I've ever met, either..." Rukia replied in her usual calm-and-collected voice.

"You're as crazy as Ichigo!" H hobbled back to his feet. "No wonder you make such a cute couple..."

**_FWACK!!!_**

Rukia threw the remaining piece of the clipboard at H, nailing him in the face. He dropped to the floor and didn't get back up. "Hello?" she peered over the edge of the sofa. _Oops..._

"That hurt," H suddenly sat up. He poked the lenses of his goggles, which were now cracked. "You're mean..."

"Send me home now," Rukia demanded.

"Make me!" H crossed his arms and tilted his head back. Rukia glared at him fiercely. "You know what, on second thought..." H scrambled to his feet.

"Now about that dirt..." Rukia smirked.

------------------------

"Where have you been?!" Ichigo asked Rukia the moment she crept through his window. She lost her balance and fell on the floor in suprise. "You just up and dissappeared!"

"Long story..." she shook her head. "Very long story..."

"Well I want to hear it!" Ichigo yelled.

"You can after you answer a question for me," Rukia smiled.

"What kind of sick game are you playing now, Rukia?" Ichigo's eye twitched.

"What ever happened to Mr. Snuggle-kins?" Rukia grinned wickedly. Ichigo went pale. An awkward silence followed. "So do you still want to know what happened?"

"No, not really..." Ichigo shook his head and sat down on his bed. He didn't want to know what sort of mob connections Rukia had to make in order to find out about his childhood teddy bear...

* * *

Moral of the Story: Rukia is crazy!

I think we all knew that already, though... Review please, and give me some ideas if you don't mind!


	7. Chapter 7

Okay, so I'll interview Kon next, and then Renji since somebody asked for him... But I need story ideas! I do have a good idea for a debate though... I'll save it for later, though.

* * *

**Father-Son Bonding**

"Son!" Isshin suddenly barged into his son's room in the middle of the morning. The sun wasn't even up, and everyone in the house was sound asleep. Or at least they were. Ichigo screamed and fell out of his bed, and two small yelps came from inside the closet. Isshin didn't hear those over the sound of Ichigo's swearing, of course.

"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, OLD MAN?!" Ichigo wrestled free from his tangled sheets and started to climb to his feet.

"WE'RE GOING FISHING!!!" Isshin held up two fishing poles and a tackle box. Ichigo froze and stared at his father. He was also wearing the usual fishing garb: Life jacket, green and brown clothes, and a funky hat with hooks all in it.

"Beg pardon?" Ichigo's eye gave a small twitch. "Since when do you fish?"

"I've fished for years!" Isshin smiled. "I figured it would be a good way for us to spend some father-son time. Fighting is fun, but it can't be our only source of family bonding!"

_Is... he serious?_ Ichigo stared at his father. "So... you just randomly decided to go fishing at..." Ichigo looked over at his clock. "5:57 AM!?"

"Yep!" Isshin smiled broadly. "You have to go early to catch the big 'uns! Hurry up and get dressed! Put on something warm... and something you won't regret getting fish guts on!"

"Er..." Ichigo walked over to his closet. He slid the door open and positioned himself so that his father couldn't see into the closet. Ichigo stared at Rukia and Kon, who both looked at him in confusion. "Stay in here," Ichigo mouthed.

"How long?" Rukia mouthed back.

"Until I get back..." Ichigo mouthed. Rukia frowned, and Kon glared at him. "Sorry!"

"Hurry up son! The fishies won't wait all morning!" Isshin goaded him.

"I'm comin', I'm comin'..." Ichigo grumbled, grabbing some clothes and slamming the closet shut.

"Great, hurry up and go change," Isshin waved him off towards the bathroom.

---------

"Aaaaah, isn't this great son?" Isshin sighed happily. They were both sitting in a small boat in the middle of a misty lake. The sun was just beginning to rise, and the sounds of frogs and crickets echoed around them.

"Yeah..." Ichigo grumbled, "Just great." He didn't like the fact that he had to wear a funky hat, too. He kept having to tilt his head to the side to avoid a hook hanging next to his eye.

"So, son..." Isshin coughed.

_Oh no... he wants to talk about something... _Ichigo looked around. _No escape! I'm trapped! _"Yeah dad?"

"I noticed that you've been acting a lot... nicer lately..." Isshin smirked.

"Heh... dream on..." Ichigo scoffed.

"And I've seen the way you look at that girl in your class..." Isshin grinned.

"Rukia?" Ichigo blinked dumbly. "When did you see her?"

"Uh, I was actually talking about that Orihime girl..." Isshin stared at his son. "Who's Rukia?"

_Oh crap._ Ichigo knew he'd just dug himself a ditch. "That's Orihime's... nickname..."

"No it's not," Isshin shook his head. He looked back up at Ichigo with a huge grin on his face. "Who's Rukia?"

"Er..." Ichigo stalled, trying to think of something. _C'mon, Ichigo, think of something..._ "Uh..."

"Well, I guess I got the answer to the question I was going to ask..." Isshin shrugged.

"And that would be?" Ichigo raised an eyebrow.

"YOU'VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND!!!" Isshin screamed happily, shocking every fish within an 8 mile radius into hiding.

"WHAT ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT?!" Ichigo jumped to his feet, causing the boat to rock slightly.

"MY SON IS IN LOVE!!!" Isshin jumped to his feet as well. He struck a happy pose, with his hands folded beneath his chin and tears of joy streaming down his face. "OH HAPPY DAY!!!"

"SHUT UP, YOU CRAZY IDIOT!!! I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!!" Ichigo yelled, his face turning red in anger and embarrassement.

"So her name is Rukia, eh?" Isshin scratched his chin. "How old is she? Is she nice? How long have you known her? Is she pretty? When did you start dating? How big are her-"

"SHUT UP!!!" Ichigo kneed his dad in the gut. Isshin crumbled to the floor of the boat. "RUKIA IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!!!"

"Ergh," Isshin staggered back to his feet, making the boat rock even more. "What's wrong, why don't you want me to know about her?"

"MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!" Ichigo snarled.

"Wait..." Isshin's face suddenly fell, and he paled slightly. "Rukia is a girls name, right?"

"WHAT?!" Ichigo screamed. "OF COURSE IT IS!!!"

"Phew!" Isshin wiped a bead of sweat from his brow. "I was worried for a second..."

"You're a psychopath..." Ichigo sat back down, making the boat rock again.

"I just want to know what's going on in my son's life..." Isshin sat back down as well. "Any good father should know what's going on with his kids..."

"Hmph..." Ichigo grunted. An awkward silence followed.

"One more thing..." Isshin suddenly spoke up.

"What?" Ichigo hissed.

"Rukia's not a spirit or anything, is she?" Isshin asked.

"Huh?!" Ichigo gasped. "What?! No!"

"Okay, good!" Isshin smiled. "I was a bit afraid you'd fallen in love with a ghost you'd met or something... Wouldn't that be a good plot for a movie or tv show," Isshin chuckled.

"Yeah..." Ichigo smiled weakly. "Yeah, it would make a good story..."

--------------

"What happened to you?" Rukia stared through the closet door at her Substitute. He was sopping wet, and the frown on his face nearly touched the floor.

"We got into an arguement over who scared the fish away," Ichigo grumbled. "The boat ended up flipping over when he tried to kick me..."

"He tried to kick you? In a boat?" Kon laughed. "What an idiot!"

"I punched him in the head first..." Ichigo held up a bandage-covered hand. "He had some big hooks on that hat..."

"Why am I not suprised..." Rukia rolled her eyes.

"And he started asking questions about you..." Ichigo informed her. "He thought you were a girl in my class I had a crush on or something..."

"Wow, thats..." Rukia stared at Ichigo. "Odd..."

"No kidding. And then he thought you were a ghost or something..." Ichigo smiled. "Long story..."

"I don't think I want to hear it..." Rukia shook her head.

"Now please move so I can get some clothes," Ichigo waved his hands. "I'm freezing!"

Meanwhile, downstairs Isshin was sitting in the living room. Having changed into dry clothes, he sat calmly in chair sipping from a cup of coffee. "Ironic, isn't it Masaki?" he smiled meekly at the poster of his beloved dead wife. "History repeats itself, I suppose..."

* * *

Moral of the Story: Don't dropkick people in a rowboat. 


	8. Chapter 8

Okay folks, here's another debate. If you love Bleach, and you love Final Fantasy, this chapter is going to be great for you!

Ahem. Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, Resident Evil, Final Fantasy 7.

Also, my friend helped me out with a ton of this story. He came up with the sandcrabs, Wii-mote, and a few other things. So in return, he's going to guest star in a chapter or two. ONLY because he doesn't have an account to right his own stories. So please, nobody start asking for cameos...

* * *

**Debate II**

"Good morning folks!" Agent HUNK (or H as I am more commonly known) jumped up onto a stage holding a microphone. (See profile for pics of Agent HUNK...) "Its time for another debate! Todays topic: Who's cooler? Byakuya, the captain of Squad 11 and owner of his own private fangirl army? Or... dun dun dun... SEPHIROTH!!! Yes, the One Winged Angel from Final Fantasy 7, whom I think would make an awsome rival for ol' Scarfy. Lets meet our contestants!"

H pointed over his shoulder. Behind him, Byakuya and Sephiroth were standing behind two podiums. They both looked bored out of their minds. "Why are we here?" Byakuya asked. "This is pointless."

"What is it Kuchikis and saying "This is pointless" all the time?" H grumbled.

"I agree. This serves no purpose. I should just kill you both and leave," Sephiroth grumbled.

"I'd like to see you try," Byakuya replied bitterly.

"Gladly..." Sephiroth put his hand on the hilt of his sword.

"Woah woah woah, hold on!" H jumped between the two podiums. "You don't fight until later! For now, you just let the judges judge you on certain thing..."

"Judges?" Byakuya arched an eyebrow.

"Over there," H pointed across the room. A jury box had been set up. Sitting in it were 12 people. Ichigo, Rukia, Kon, Isshin, Urahara, and Renji were sitting on the top row. On the bottom row sat several characters from Final Fantasy 7. Cloud, Aries, Tifa, Cid, and Vincent were sitting there, bored out of their minds as well. And the 12th person in the jury was no one anybody knew, other than H.

"I'm Doctor Insane-O!" the friend blurted out. And boy, did he match the name. Dressed in a black suit, red tie, and doctor's coat, he had short brown hair and two monocles. He also had a crab sitting on his shoulder for no apparent reason. "Agent HUNK said I could help judge the debate!"

"Lets hope I don't regret that choice..." H grumbled.

"So what are we being judged on exactly?" Sephiroth asked.

"Just a few things. Lets get started!" H exclaimed happily. "First question... Who is the most evil? Show of hands?"

Not suprisingly, everyone from Bleach voted for Byakuya and everyone from FF7 voted for Sephiroth. "I vote for Sephy 'cause he's the Devil!" Dr. Insane-O exclaimed.

"No kidding..." Cloud grumbled.

Aries opened her mouth to say something, but she was interupted by a bullet hitting her in the forehead. **_Thud._** Her body hit the floor, and everyone stared in horror at her corpse, then at H. H holstered a smoking revolver and shrugged. "She got on my nerves... Especially in Advent Children..."

"YOU KILLED ARIES!!!" Cloud sobbed.

H hurled a crowbar at Cloud, nailing him in the forehead and knocking him out. Cloud flopped out of his chair, over the edge of the jury box, and onto the floor. "He got on my nerves too. All I got out of Advent Children was "BOO HOO ARIES IS DEAD AND I'M TOO STUPID TO REALIZE I SUCK!!!" from Cloud and "I'm awsome" from Sephiroth. Yeah... sorry 'bout that..." H shrugged.

(A/N: I never played FF7. I did a little bit, but my friend, Dr. Insane-O in case you're curious, told me all about it. And then I saw Advent Children. And yes those are the lessons I learned from it. Aries is annoying, Cloud is stupid, Sephiroth is the essence of awsome, and everyone else is cool. Okay, back to the show.)

"WOOHOO!!!" Dr. Insane-O cheered happily. "THE PINK WITCH AND THE CRYBABY ARE DEAD!!!"

"Huzzah!" Kon cheered. Everyone stared at him. "Sorry..."

"This is a court of fools," Byakuya grumbled.

"Indeed... should we both just kill them all?" Sephiroth put his hand back on the hilt of his sword.

"That sounds like a good idea..." Byakuya nodded.

"Woah wait what?" H looked over at the two madmen. "Hold on, dudes... No sense in killing anybody other than your opponent..."

"Can we get this over with?" Ichigo grumbled. "I'm hungry..."

"Okay, next question..." H returned his attention to the debate. "Who's got the best looking hair?"

"Me," Byakuya and Sephiroth both answered. Everyone raised their hands, and not surpisingly it came out as another tie.

"Well, that doesn't help things..." H muttered. "Who is the fastest?" Another tie. "Scariest?" Yet again it was a draw. "Grr..."

"I want to kill them..." Sephiroth started to slide his katana from its sheath. "All of them."

"Yeah, we know that..." H replied. "Who does everyone thing is the coolest?"

"Sephiroth," Ichigo raised his hand. "He hasn't stabbed me repeatedly yet."

"Byakuya," Rukia and Renji raised their hands.

"Byakuya," Kon voted. "He's evil, but he has that cool scarf..."

"Sephiroth," Isshin and Urahara voted.

"Byakuya," everyone (still alive) from Final Fantasy 7 all said together.

"Sephiroth!" Dr. Insane-O exclaimed. "Because I hate Byakuya! He wants to kill Rukia!" Dr. Insane-O gave Rukia a love-sick look. Rukia just stared at him like he was insane. Which he was.

"Okay, let me count the votes..." H counted quickly. "Byakuya wins!"

"Yay?" Byakuya didn't seem to care.

"I object!" Sephiroth finally snapped and drew his sword. He lunged at Byakuya, who simply stepped to the side and drew his own sword.

"Sore loser," Byakuya taunted him.

"Um..." H took a few steps back. "Sorry folks, that's all we have time for today! See ya next time! AH!!!" H yelped as he ducked beneath a sword. "That almost killed me!"

"So?" Byakuya replied coldly.

"Jerk..." H grumbled as he walked off stage. "Wait, where did Dr. Insane-O, Ichigo, and Rukia go?" he suddenly noticed the empty seats in the jury box.

"Okay, I'll give you the crab if you get me an ostrich!" Dr. Insane-O told Rukia, who was staring longingly at the little sandcrab on his shoulder.

"Ichigo, go get an ostrich," Rukia told her friend.

"Where am I supposed to get a big friggin' bird at?!" Ichigo stared at her like she was crazy.

"JUST DO IT!!!" she snarled.

"Okay, okay!" Ichigo took off running.

"And make sure it has side-mounted machine guns!" Dr. Insane-O yelled at him as he left.

"What horrors have I unleashed upon the world..." H shook his head sadly, ignoring the huge battle raging behind him. "Why did I put Doctor Insane-O in this story? Why?"

* * *

Moral of the Story: Sephiroth and Byakuya are both evil, cool, and have rabid fangirls that worship the ground they walk within 20 feet of. But we all already knew that stuff...

Now I must run from the Cloud and/or Aries haters... -runs for his friggin' life- REVIEW PLEASE!!!


	9. Chapter 9

Wow, I didn't expect people to actually like Dr. Insane-O this much... Well, don't worry. He'll show up again soon...

Alright, the Furbie seems to be everyone's favorite chapter, so lets see if lightning strikes twice!

Disclaimer: I don't own Furbie or Tickle Me Elmo.

* * *

**Furbie Loves You, Too**

Urahara didn't look up from his newspaper when he heard the distinctive jingle of the entrance bell. He didn't need to say anything to the customer, so he decided not to bother until the customer actually got to the counter. But the customer never came to the counter. Urahara stopped reading and lowered the newspaper from in front of his eyes. Scanning the store, he was confused to not find a customer in sight. "Wierd..." he muttered. _I guess they didn't like what they saw..._

As Urahara returned to the article about strange flying boys, something caught his eye. Sitting in the corner of the store was a fuzzy black creature. It had large blue eyes, a huge yellow beak, and some sort of funky mohawk. "What the heck is that?" Urahara stared at the thing. Getting out from behind the counter, he walked across the room and picked up the strange thing. "Hmph... Maybe I can sell it later. But it's probably worthless..."

Urahara tossed the thing over his shoulder and started to walk away. But he stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a voice yell out from behind him. "Ow!"

"Who said that?" Urahara spun around and narrowed his eyes. He looked back and forth at the store, but saw no one. "Hm..." He noticed the black furry thing laying on its side near the door. He crept over to the thing and picked it up. He couldn't believe what he was about to ask... "Did you say something?"

"Yes," the creature replied cheerily.

Urahara's eyes nearly fell out of their sockets. He stared at the creature, wide-eyed in shock. "You... What are you?"

"Fur-bie!" the creature exclaimed happily.

"Furbie?" he raised an eyebrow. "You're a furbie?"

"Yes," the Furbie replied.

"And you can talk?" he asked.

"Yes," the thing replied.

"Am I dreaming or something?" Urahara looked around. _I hope so..._

"No!" the Furbie replied happily. "Hah hah hah hah hah!" it randomly started laughing.

(A/N: I never had a Furbie. So if this one does stuff they couldn't do... uh... its a new model? Yeah, we'll go with that...)

"What's so funny?" Urahara was getting a bit creeped out now.

"You!" it exclaimed. "Hah hah hah hah!"

Urahara was really getting creeped out now. _Okay, kinda getting a bit freaky... _He looked around the room again for his co-workers. "I wonder where everyone is..."

"I don't know..." the Furbie rolled its eyes.

"Did you kill them or something?" Urahara sarcastically smirked.

"Yes!" the furry creature replied happily.

"What?" Urahara's face fell, and he stared at the thing in his hands.

"Hah hah hah hahah!" the Furbie cackled. "I LOVE YOU!!!"

"GET THE #$!& AWAY FROM ME!!!" Urahara screamed, hurling the thing out the nearest window. "I HOPE YOU DIE!!!"

"What's going on, boss?!" Tessai suddenly barged through the door to one of the storage rooms.

"This... thing! It was called a Furbie or something!" Urahara pointed at the broken window. "It was evil! It said it killed you, Jinta, and Ururu!"

"Boss, are you sure you're okay?" Tessai waved his hands in front of Urahara's face. "Have you been working to hard?"

"I'm not crazy!" Urahara pointed at the floor. "It was right HERE!"

Suddenly, the Furbie flew through the already-broken window and landed on the spot he was pointing at. "Ow!" Urahara and Tessai both stared at the Furbie. Several seconds of awkward silence heightened the tension in the room. Finally, the Furbie opened his eyes wide and exclaimed, "I LOVE YOU!!!"

"KILL IT!!!" Urahara pointed a shaking finger at the monsterous creature sitting on his floor. "KILL IT NOW!!!"

"RIGHT!" Tessai dove at the beast and grabbed it. He shook it violently, squeezing the life from its throat, but the Furbie just laughed insanely.

"KILL IT!!!" Urahara drew Benihime from his cane.

"I CAN'T!!!" Tessai threw it across the room at Urahara, who cut it in half. The two chunks of Furbie smacked into the wall behind him and dropped to the floor. "Phew..." he exhaled.

"I think we did it, boss..." Tessai sighed.

"I... I... I..." the Furbie's eyes shot wide open, and its beak began to shake.

"KILL IT!!! KILL IT!!!" Urahara pointed at the unkillable abomination. "KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!"

"YES, SIR!!!" Tessai clapped his hands together and began to mutter a Kido spell. Instantly, the Furbie was consumed by a raging inferno of flame.

"I LOVE YOOOOUUU!!!!!" the Furbie shrieked as the flames consumed its body. Within seconds, all the remained of it was a pile of ash and traumatic memories.

"What now, boss?" Tessai looked at Urahara.

"Sweep up the ashes and throw them in a lake or something..." he sighed. "Or bury them... I don't care. Just get it out of here..."

-------

Meanwhile, Ichigo and Rukia quietly crept away from the window outside, trying to keep their laughter unheard. "Who's next?" Ichigo grinned.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Urahara may be awsome, but demonic furry things will scare anyone.

Lets see if I can think of another story...

* * *

**Tickle Me Kon**

Kon's latest attempt to run away from home had failed. Quite miserably, in face. He had returned with bite marks on his head, tire tracks on his body, a mangled left arm, and a missing right leg. His left eye was also hanging from a string. "Why me?" Kon sighed.

"Because you are an idiot who keeps trying to run off..." Ichigo growled.

"Ishida is out of town, so we can't go get him fixed up," Rukia shook her head. "What are we going to do?"

"Wait here," Ichigo smirked as he ran out of his room. A few seconds later, he returned with one of his sister's favorite toys of all time.

"No," Kon shook his head. "No, no, no, no, NO!"

"Come on, Kon," Ichigo held up the toy wickedly. "Something is better than nothing!"

"No its not!" Kon exclaimed. "Nothing is much better than that something!"

**_FWAM!_**

Rukia slammed her Death's Hand through Kon, once again removing his pill form. She shoved it into the toy's mouth and waited for a response. She got it quite quickly.

"YOU GUYS SUCK!!!" the toy screamed.

"You know..." Ichigo smirked, "That's the last thing I ever expected Elmo to say to me..."

"Oh shut up!" Kon snarled as he tried to walk away in his new body. But being a Tickle Me Elmo was new to him, and he quickly fell over. "WHY?!"

"Hey, watch this," Ichigo grabbed Kon and started to tickle him.

"WAHAHAHA!!!" Kon laughed. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! BWAHAHAHAH!!! I HATE YOU!!! HEE HEE HEE!!!"

"Wow!" Rukia found the laughter of the toy quite entertaining. It astounded Ichigo that a dark and deadly Soul Reaper could have the innocent nature of a child. "Let me try!"

"ONII-SAN, NO!!!" Kon pleaded, but Rukia didn't listen. She started to tickle the toy, and she found it much too fun to stop. "WHY, RUKIA?! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! WHYYYY?! HEE HEE HEE HAH HAH HAH!!!"

* * *

Moral of the Story: Tickle Me Kon sales weren't that good...


	10. Chapter 10

This is an idea that has been floating around inside my head for awhile. I have no idea where it came from, or why I thought it up. One day I just decided "Hey, a Godfather parody of Bleach would be cool..." Narutofreak14's story "Ichigo's Little Vacation" also made me want to write this... It's a good and funny story, and Ichigo daydreams about being a gangster in one chapter. Of course, that was for Scarface, not the Godfather...

Anyway, here's my twisted vision of what Bleach would be like as a 1920's American mafia story. Enjoy...

Oh, right... Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN BLEACH OR THE GODFATHER!!!

* * *

Ichigo and Rukia were sitting on the living room watching tv. Ichigo was sitting on the sofa, and Rukia was sitting on the floor eating popcorn. They were both very enthralled in the movie they were watching. "The Godfather" was pretty good, even though it had plenty of boring parts and it was had an unholy run-time. As two mafiosos talked about something boring, Ichigo felt his eyelids getting a bit heavy. Slowly but surely, his head began to droop backwards onto the sofa. His eyes fluttered shut, and soon he fell fast asleep. 

---------------------------------

_My name is Ichigo Kurasaki. I am 15 years old. Ever since I was a boy, I've commited unspeakable crimes for the Kurasaki Family._

Ichigo adjusted his tie as he approached the door to his father's office. He removed his hat from his head and held it in his left hand while he knocked on the door with his right. "Come in," came a reply from the other side. Ichigo let out a small sigh as he opened the door. His father needed him for something. He had no idea what it was, but he knew it wouldn't be good...

"Good afternoon," Ichigo greeted his father as he entered the room.

"Greetings, my son," Isshin smiled from his seat behind the desk at the back of the room. Wearing a black suit, red tie, and holding a slightly-smoking cigar in his hand, he looked like a very powerfull person. And he was. Isshin Kurasaki was a Godfather. He led the Kurasaki crime family, one of Chicago's biggest mafia organizations. On the outside, he was a humble businessman. On the inside, he was a puppetmaster, controlling all sorts of bootlegging operations, speak-easies, and other criminal activities.

"You wanted to see me about something, Dad?" Ichigo put his hat back on his head and adjusted it. Wearing a grey suit, red tie, and white hat, he looked like any normal Mafia enforcer. But he stood out from the rest quite vibrantly, thanks to his bright orange hair.

"Yes, my son," Isshin reached into his desk and withdrew a collection of files and papers. He placed them on the desk and gestured for Ichigo to read them. "Take a look..."

"Hm..." Ichigo walked over to his father's desk and picked up one of the file. He quickly skimmed through it, a frown forming on his face as he read. "A rat?"

"Yes, it seems that we have an informant amongst our ranks," Isshin's cold eyes focused on his son's. His face was without expression, and his voice held a tone of the utmost seriousness. "I want you take care of him."

"A hit?" Ichigo arched a brow. "You want me to whack one of our own guys?"

"Yes, my son. I trust you can take care of it without any problems," Isshin leaned back into his chair and puffed on his cigar casually.

"Don't worry, Dad," Ichigo reached into his suit jacket and withdrew a handgun. He pulled back the slide and grinned at the resulting _click-clack_ the weapon made. "There won't be any problems."

"Excellent, excellent," Isshin smiled.

"What's the poor sap's name?" Ichigo placed the gun back beneath his jacket.

"Ishida Uryu."

---

Standing on the sidewalk of a semi-deserted street, Ichigo casually smoked a cigarette as he waited for his target. It was the dead of night, and a light rainfall had started. It was actually a good thing, since the rain made even more people want to stay inside. Other than the occassion homeless guy, the streets were deserted. No witnesses. Ichigo checked his watch by the light of a streetlamp. It was 9:24 P.M. The restaraunt across the street would be closing any minute.

Ichigo could see inside the small shop from across the street. It was a well-lit little bistro, and it was very much empty. Other than the waitress and the store owner, there were only two men inside the restaurant. A red-headed guy that Ichigo he didn't recognize, and the target: Ishida Uryu. Ichigo had never really liked Ishida, so he had no qualms with blowing the poor slob's brains out. He considered going in right then and there to kill him, but Ichigo didn't want to get the waitress and owner involved. He hated innocent casualties, even if they were an everyday occurance in gang wars.

Ichigo checked his watch again. 9:30. Sure enough, the waitress was motioning for the two men to leave. Ishida and his dinner-mate both stood up, handed her some money, and headed for the door. They stepped outside into the rain, bid each other farewell, and went their seperate ways. Ichigo watched as Ishida walked down the street across from him, oblivious to his coming demise. Once the red-haired guy was out of sight, Ichigo crept across the street. The rainfall masked the sound of his footsteps. He quickly closed the distance between him and Ishida. "You know what you do with a rat?" Ichigo asked the man in front of him.

"What's that?" Ishida's voice was shaky as he answered him. Ichigo drew his pistol and leveled it with his target's head.

"You exterminate it," Ichigo smirked as he pulled the trigger.

---------------------------------------

The sounds of gunfire made Ichigo wake up. He shook his head and rubbed his eyes sleepily. The movie was_ still_ on, and some guy was getting shot up by a bunch of mobsters. "What did I miss?" Ichigo yawned.

"A bunch of talking and some people getting shot," Rukia replied quickly as she shovelled popcorn into her mouth.

"Oh..." Ichigo scratched the back of his head. "I guess I didn't miss much then... This movie sucks, anyway."

* * *

Moral of the Story: If you value your brain matter, don't rat on the Kurasaki family. 

Reviews would be seriously appreciated. I may make a sequal if I get enough requests... Heck, I might even make it a full story if everyone goes crazy for it. Review, please!


	11. Chapter 11

I'm kinda leaning towards making the Godfather thing into a full fic. A few people didn't seem to like it, though. But I should have pointed out that it was _not _meant to be a comedy. Anyway, I hope a few more people will give me some input on it. I'll probably write a sequal later, but without more reviews that is all you're getting. (I myself thought the Godfather parody was cool...)

Anyway, it is time for another interview! This time... Kon!

* * *

**Interview: Kon**

"Quit pokin' me..." Kon grumbled as he swatted at whoever was trying to wake him up. The poking continued. "I said cut it out!" Kon snarled as he opened his eyes. He froze when he saw his surroundings. No longer was he laying on Ichigo's bed sound asleep. He was now laying on a sofa in a dim lit room. There was a desk next to him, and some guy in wierd clothes was jabbing him with a stick. "Who are you?!" Kon jumped to his feet.

"I'm Agent HUNK!" the guy happily replied. He continued to poke Kon, and an awkward silence followed.

"Okaaay..." Kon stared at the guy. "Am I supposed to know who you are or something?"

"Nah..." the guy shook his head, which was covered by a gas mask and helmet. He was also wearing a black leather uniform and a bullet proof vest.

"Why are you poking me?" Kon's eye twitched.

"Because it is fun," the guy cheerily replied.

"CUT IT OUT!!!" Kon grabbed the stick and snapped it in half. "Why am I here?! How did I get here?!"

"I brought you here to interview you," Agent HUNK shrugged. "Anyway, you can call me H..."

"Interview me? About what?" Kon sat down on the sofa and surveyed the strange guy named H.

"Things..." H shrugged. "I was going to ask a few simple questions..."

"What's in it for me?" Kon narrowed his beady little eyes.

"5 bucks?" H held up a five-dollar bill.

"Done deal," Kon yanked the money out of his hand. "Ask away."

"What are you?" H pulled a clipboard out of his desk and a pen from his pocket.

"I'm a mod-soul!" Kon boasted proudly. "I can run really, really fast and kick the crap out of anything!"

"And you live with Ichigo and Rukia?" H scribbled a few things down.

"Yeah..." Kon nodded. "You're not a cop or anything, are you?"

"Heck no," H chuckled. "I'm just a curious guy with too much time on his hands..."

"Oh..." Kon shrugged. "Next question."

"What are you feelings about them?" H asked.

"I hate Ichigo. He's a pompous jerk with no respect for anyone other than himself," Kon growled.

"Oooh, harsh..." H scribbled on a certain page. "Rukia?"

"Ah, Rukia. Sweet, sweet Rukia... I love her so much, and yet it is as though we are not supposed to be together!" Kon sighed. "Fate seems to transpire against us..."

"Dude, you're a talking toy and she's a friggin' psycho!" H pointed at his bandaged knee.

"HOW DARE YOU INSULT RUKIA!!!" Kon dove at H, but was smacked down onto the desk by the Clipboard of Doom.

"Bad kittie... lion... plushie... thing... yeah..." H tossed Kon back onto the sofa. "Don't try that again."

"Ouchie..." Kon mumbled.

"Ichigo's family?" H asked the next question.

"HIS SISTERS ARE FROM HELL!!!" Kon screamed. "And his dad is nuts!"

"Tell me something I don't know..." H lolled his head from side to side. "About his dad, at least... You don't seem to like anybody from Ichigo's family."

"I hate Ichigo the most, though..." Kon hissed. "I would love to see him die. Then me and Rukia could run off together!"

"Hah, what are you gonna do? Hire a hitman?" H chuckled. Suddenly, a rope descended from a hole in the ceiling which nobody had noticed until just then. Somebody slid down the rope and dropped down right in front of Kon and H. "Oh heck no..." H slapped his gloved hands over his face. "WHY?!"

"HI THERE!!!" Dr. Insane-O waved at the distraught author and confused plushie. "Did somebody inquire about my services?"

"Are you a hitman?" Kon stared at the lab-coat clad madman.

"If the price is right," darkness burned within Dr. Insane-O's eyes behind their monocles.

"Dude, why are you here?" H pointed at his friend. "You were just supposed to be in one chapter!"

"The fans loved me," Dr. Insane-O shrugged. "So I came back."

"Yo, hitman guy," Kon waved to get his attention. "How much to kill Ichigo?"

"Five bucks?" Dr. Insane-O shrugged. Kon suddenly shoved the 5 dollar bill from earlier into his hand. Dr. Insane-O looked at the money and smiled. "Done and done!" With that, Dr. Insane-O scurried back up the rope and dissappeared from view.

"What just happened?" H asked after several seconds of silence.

"I hired a guy to kill Ichigo so me and Rukia could run off and live happily-ever-after," Kon smirked.

"Okay, just making sure..." H sighed. "I have a bad feeling about this..."

"Okay, back to the interview!" Kon yelled.

"Oh, right..." H picked up his clipboard. "I don't really have much else to ask you. I'm more worried about my friend going to kill Ichigo..."

"Why? It isn't like Ichigo is important," Kon smiled.

"Okay, yeah he is. He's the... nevermind. That isn't the problem, though," H shook his head.

"What is the problem then?" Kon asked.

"My friend is an idiot..." H replied. "A seriously big idiot."

"Oh..." Kon paused to consider that fact for a second. "Does he give refunds?"

"I doubt it..." H sighed. "I doubt it..."

* * *

Moral of the Story: Kon knows how to make a deal. Too bad they aren't good ones...

Next chapter: Assassination Attempts!


	12. Chapter 12

Two things.

1: I deleted two of my stories since I knew I would never finish them.

2: I posted the Godfather parody as a full fic. "The Shinigami-Father" is a bit different from the original ficlet... go see for yourself. :)

Anyway, lets see how Dr. Insane-O fares in his quest to kill Ichigo...

* * *

**Quest to Kill**

"Gimme a gun," Dr. Insane-O slammed five dollars on the counter of the gun store. The old man behind the counter looked at the money, and then at the oddly dressed man behind the counter. "I need it... to... hunt..."

"Okay, Mister..." the clerk shrugged. "For five dollars, you can have dis." The man held up a rather old and rugged pistol.

"Sold," Dr. Insane-O grabbed the gun and started to walk away.

"Don't you need bullets?" the old man called after him.

"I ain't got the money, so I'm just gonna pistol whip him until he dies!" Dr. Insane-O swung the gun around in air, a look of sheer insanity on his face. His expression returned to a normal smile. "The deer, I mean... Not a man..."

"Well, okay then... good luck..." the old man waved as he left. "I would call the cops, but I doubt he'll get very far with that piece of junk..."

"With Ichigo dead," Dr. Insane-O smirked happily to himself as he walked down the street to find Ichigo, "Rukia will be mine! All mine! HAH HAH HAH HAH!!!!"

---

Dr. Insane-O had been walking down the sidewalk for hours, looking back and forth for Ichigo. "I know he's around here somewhere... AHA!!!"

Up ahead, Ichigo was standing at a bus stop. With a shout and a yell, Dr. Insane-O began to run at Ichigo. The Soul Reaper didn't notice him, of course. Just as Dr. Insane-O ran up behind him and swung the pistol, Ichigo bent over to tie his shoe. Dr. Insane-O lost his balance and tripped. He stumbled forward and staggered into the street... directly in the path of an 18-wheeler.

"Crap..." Dr. Insane-O gulped mere miliseconds before the Semi mowed him down.

---

Ichigo was now at the zoo with his sisters, and they were looking at the lions. Meanwhile, Dr. Insane-O, somehow still alive, had crept into the zoo as well. The gorilla cage was across from the lion cage, and while nobody was looking, Dr. Insane-O threw open the door to the gorilla cage. "GO FORTH, MY FURRY FRIEND!!! RIP HIS HEAD OFF AND BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH IT, KUJO!!!"

Nothing happened. "Kujo?" Dr. Insane-O stuck his head through the cage door. "Are you even awake?" He stepped into the cage and sighed. Kujo the big gorilla was asleep in the corner of his cage. "Dang... oh well..."

Dr. Insane-O turned around to leave, but a sudden gust of wind blew the door closed. The resulting clang woke up Kujo. "Uh oh..." Dr. Insane-O took a few steps back as the gorilla growled at him. He covered his eyes and began to whimper. "He can't see me if I can't see him... He can't see me if I can't see him!" he whimpered.

"RAWWWWWRRRRRR!!!!!!" Kujo charged at him.

Meanwhile, Ichigo and his sisters were enjoying the giraffe exhibite. They didn't hear the tortured and desperate screams of a mad scientist in the distance. "NOOOOOO!!!!! HELP MEEEEE!!!!" the poor Doctor screamed. "HE'S RAVAGING ME LIKE A MONKEY!!!!!! SOMEBODY STOP HIM!!!! AAAAHHH!!!!"

---

Ichigo and Rukia were calmly walking down the street to his house, minding their own business and talking about current events. "Did you see what happened on the news?" Rukia asked Ichigo.

"Nope. What happened?" he replied.

"Some guy got mauled and molested by a wild gorilla at the zoo," she told him.

"No way!" Ichigo shook his head. "I was there earlier, and I didn't hear a thing about that!"

Meanwhile, up ahead, Dr. Insane-O was trying to cut down a tree. "Heh heh heh..." he laughed. As Ichigo and Rukia walked around the corner, he finished hacking away at it. "HAH!!! VICTORY IS MINE!!!"

Dr. Insane-O suddenly screamed. He hadn't known Rukia was walking _beside_ Ichigo. "NO, MY DARLING RUKIA!!!" he dove out and pushed her out of the way, along with Ichigo accidentally.

**_CRUNCH._**

The tree landed square on top of him, crushing him beneath the mass of branches and leaves. "What was that?!" Ichigo stared at the tree.

"That was close..." Rukia thought it had been Ichigo that had pushed her out of the way, and vice versa.

"Lets get out of here before something else happens..." Ichigo started walking away. "Come on!"

---

"Well, how did it go?" Kon asked Dr. Insane-O when he walked back into H's office.

"You failed didn't you?" H didn't bother to look up from the manga he was reading.

"I only have one thing to say..." Dr. Insane-O held up a finger. "Wait, no... two things..." he held up another digit.

"And they are?" Kon waited for an answer.

"One... No refunds!" he exclaimed. Kon growled. "And two... I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!!"

"On who, Ichigo?" H chuckled.

"No..." Dr. Insane-O narrowed his eyes, "On Santa..."

---

Meanwhile, in the North Pole, a small elf ran hurridly to Santa's office. He threw the door open and told his boss the news. "Santa! Santa! Some crazy guy said he wanted to get revenge on-" the elf suddenly stopped talking.

Santa was standing next to his desk with his hands in the air. A guy in a black suit and sunglasses was holding a gun to his head. On Santa's desk there was a huge pile of cocaine. "Who's that?" the guy in the suit suddenly aimed the gun at the elf. Without warning, Santa pulled a candy cane from his belt and impaled the man in the throat. The man fell backwards onto the floor and didn't move.

Santa turned to face the elf, and as he held the blood-stained candy cane threateningly, he said, "You weren't supposed to know..."

* * *

Moral of the Story: Never deal drugs to Santa.


	13. Chapter 13

Urgh... Sorry for the long delay. I've had writers block, AND I got bronchitis, which then evolved into pnuemonia! So yeah, the last 2 weeks have sucked for me... All I've done is lay in bed, cough, and play Final Fantasy X. Which is HARD, by the way! I forgot how tough some parts of it were...

Anyway, lets get this story back on track...

Disclaimer: I don't own Mortal Kombat, or the theme music to it.

* * *

**Don't Even Try to Understand It**

"Where have you been?" Ichigo glared at Kon. Out of nowhere, the little plushie lion had appeared on his bed.

"Um... nowhere?" Kon shrugged.

"Did that Agent HUNK guy kidnap you, too?" Rukia asked.

"Maybe..." Kon shrugged.

"That guy's annoying..." Ichigo growled. "We should do something about him..."

"What would you suggest? Kidnap and interview him?" Rukia actually had a good idea.

"Yeah," Ichigo grinned and popped his knuckles. "Lets give him a taste of his own medicine!"

---

The quiet peace of H's office was shattered by his door being slung open. Ichigo and Rukia barged into the room, followed by Kon. "WE WANT REVENGE, AGENT HUNK!!!" Ichigo pointed an accusing finger at the person sitting behind the desk in the room. But after a few seconds of silence, he lowered his arm. H wasn't the person sitting there.

It was Dr. Insane-O.

"Hi there!" the madman waved innocently.

"Who are you?" Ichigo arched his brow. "And where is H?"

"I'm Dr. Insane-O!" he proclaimed loudly. "And H is sick."

"Sick?" Rukia asked.

"Yes, sick. He has pnuemonia and writer's block. A horrid combination for authors to have..." Dr. Insane-O shook his head.

"Oh..." Ichigo frowned. "Well, you'll work just was well."

"Beg pardon?" Dr. Insane-O scooted his chair back slightly.

"GET HIM!!!" Rukia and Ichigo dove over the desk and tackled Dr. Insane-O.

---

"This brings back fond memories..." Dr. Insane-O looked down at the straight-jacket he was tied up to the chair with. "I miss the asylum..."

"Now you're going to answer some questions for us, or else," Rukia growled menacingly.

"Anything for you, my dear sweet Rukia..." Dr. Insane-O flashed a playboy grin. Rukia and Ichigo just stared at the the bizarre mad scientist.

"Right, ignoring that..." Ichigo pulled a clipboard out of H's desk. "What is your name?"

"Dr. Insane-O," the Doctor replied.

"What is your occupation?" Ichigo asked the next question.

"Substitute author," Dr. Insane-O shrugged. "H said I could take over until he got better..."

"How old are you?" Ichigo asked.

"AAAAHHH!!! STALKER!!!!" Dr. Insane-O screamed. He began to kick his legs wildly, hitting Ichigo in the face and sending him sprawling to the floor. "GET AWAY YOU PERVERT!!!"

"He's insane..." Ichigo groaned from the floor.

"Let me take over," Rukia grabbed the clipboard. "How do you know H?"

"We're friends," Dr. Insane-O shrugged.

"Can you do magic and stuff like he can?" Rukia asked.

"Nope. This isn't my story, so I have no control over it," Dr. Insane-O sighed sadly.

"Wheren't you the guy with the crab?" Rukia suddenly asked.

"YOU REMEMBERED ME!!!" Dr. Insane-O chimed happily.

"You _are_ insane..." Rukia shook her head.

"But you love me anyway, don't you?" Dr. Insane-O flashed a devinair smirk. Rukia took a few steps back and stared at him like he was insane. Which, of course, he was.

Suddenly, without warning, the door was ripped off its hinges and hurled across the room. Everyone screamed in shock, and then terror as the most fearsome thing imaginable walked into the room: Santa Claus.

"Where is Dr. Insane-O?" Santa growled.

"There he is," Ichigo, Kon, and Rukia all pointed at him.

"Oh thanks, guys..." he grumbled. "What do you want, Santa?"

"I want to challenge you..." Santa pulled a sharpened candy cane dagger from his belt. "TO MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!" he bellowed.

"MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!!" a deep voice screamed in the background. Kon pulled a beat-box out from behind the desk and hit a button. Wierd techno fighting music started to play.

"I ACCEPT!!!" Dr. Insane-O tore free from the chair and assumed a fighting stance. Santa lunged forward with astounding speed and tackled Dr. Insane-O. They both rolled around on the ground, punching and kicking each other.

"What the crap?" a voice made Rukia and Ichigo turn back towards the door. H was standing in the doorway. He had a light blue bathrobe on over his usual clothes, and a cup of hot chocolate in his hands. "What did I miss?"

"Look, its Agent HUNK!" Kon pointed out the obvious.

"I leave for a week and a half with pneumonia, and I come back to find Santa wrestling with my bizarre associate, and a bunch of anime characters glaring at me. Again, what the crap?" Agent HUNK didn't seem too happy.

Rukia and Ichigo started arguing with H. Kon wasn't interested in that though. He was more interested in the fight. When he looked back over at Dr. Insane-O and Santa, they were punching each other on the floor. He looked back at his friends, and then back at the fight. They where still punching each other, but now they were surrounded by a circle of cheering elves. Another double-take later, and Dr. Insane-O was beating Santa in the face with a screaming elf. Kon looked back over at his friends again for a few seconds. When he looked back over at the fight, Santa had ripped off his shirt, revealing some seriously huge muscles instead of a jelly belly, and he was beating Dr. Insane-O with a metal folding chair. Kon looked back at his friends again to see if their arguement was going anywhere. When he looked back at the fight, he discovered Santa,Dr. Insane-O, and most of the elves to be gone. A large hole was left in the middle of the floor, and the remaining elves were staring into the darkness. "Well that was entertaining..." Kon shrugged.

"Well, I still feel like crap, so good-bye!" Agent HUNK coughed a few times, then walked out the door.

"Well this was a fiasco..." Ichigo shook his head.

"Lets go home..." Rukia sighed.

And with that, they left, completely ignoring the large hole in the floor with the sounds of brutal fighting coming from inside it.

* * *

I know. That chapter was insane, and it sucked. But I can't write all too well when I'm half-dead. Heh... heh... seriously, I feel pretty bad...

I should be back to normal eventually. Like... next week...

Yeah... I'm sorry for the delays and second-rate chapter...


	14. Chapter 14

Wow, it has been a long time since I've written anything Bleach-y... Writers block was one problem, and I've just been having trouble coming up with Bleach-related ideas. But now I've conquered my Writer's Block, with the help of a few good comedic tales and fics. So yeah...

On a related note, I'll be writing a sequal to "Insanity in the Soul Society" soon, as well as reviving one of my "dead" Bleach fics. I've just got to finish my fangirl story first, though. Check that out in the meantime, too. It has Ichigo, Byakuya, Renji, and a bunch of other guys from other animes trapped in a cabin surrounded by fangirls! Its a big hit, too...

Ahem, right... Back to the story that you've all been dying for me to continue writing. _Right?_

* * *

**Bucket Hat And Furbie Madness**

Urahara Kisuke was bored. Business today was slow, and he'd read the same magazine twice already. So the moment the bell over the entrance jingled, he jumped over the counter to greet his newest customer. "WELCOME, SIR OR MADAME!!! MAY I INTEREST YOU IN- woah..." Urahara stopped dead in his tracks when he realized that it wasn't a normal human customer. "Well now, I don't think I've seen you before..."

The man standing in the doorway shrugged. "I'm new in town..." He was wearing a black outfit, bullet proof vest, yatta yatta yatta, you know the drill! Its Agent HUNK, of course!

"Really?" Urahara surveyed the bizarrely dressed man in front of him from beneath his bucket hat. He scratched the stubble on his chin as he mused on this strange turn of events. "So who are you, and what are you?"

"Beg pardon?" the man cocked his head to the side. The gas mask and helmet he had on exhadurated the gesture.

"What's your name, and are you a human, Shinigami, or something else?" Urahara narrowed his shadow-covered eyes.

"Agent HUNK, and I'm an Author..." the man replied with a humble bow. "I just came in for a bit of business."

"Oh, well why didn't you say so!?" Urahara exclaimed. If this had been a cartoon, his eyes would have turned into dollar signs or something like that. "Please, look around the store!" Urahara exclaimed happily as he skipped- yes, that's right, he _skipped_- back behind the counter and propped his elbows up on the register. "See anything you like?"

"Why yes, I do!" Agent HUNK replied cheerfully. He suddenly pointed directly at Urahara and stated bluntly: "That."

"Um, what?" Urahara stood up, slightly confused. "Are you referring to me?"

"Ew, no!" Agent HUNK shook his head. "Your hat!"

"My hat?" Urahara looked up at his bucket hat. "I'm sorry, its not for sale..."

"I've got cash..." Agent HUNK suddenly whipped a huge handfull of money out from behind his back.

Urahara stared at the money, his mouth watering at the sight of all the paper bills. But he finally shook his head and stomped his foot in defiance. "No, my hat is not for sale."

"Hmmm..." the strange man sighed sadly. He then held up a bag of junk and asked, "Do you barter?"

"Depends..." Urahara looked down at the bag. "What are you trading?"

"Old weapons..." the Kevlar-clad man pulled out a rusted crowbar and threw it over his shoulder. "Items of monetary value..." he muttered, throwing a handful of diamonds and jewelry out. "Stuffed animals..." he pulled out a stuffed lion plushie.

"HELP ME!!!" he plushie suddenly began to flail its arms and try to break free. "HELP ME, PLEASE!!! I DON'T DESERVE THIS!!!"

"Shut up!" Agent HUNK hissed as he shoved Kon back into the bag.

"I'll pretend I didn't see that..." Urahara muttered.

"Wait, where did this come from?" Agent HUNK suddenly pulled a black-and-white Furbie out of the bag.

"I love youuuu!" it crooned playfully.

--------27 SECONDS LATER-----------

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!" Agent HUNK had never run so fast in his life.

"KILL IT!!!" Urahara screamed insanely as he swung his Zanpakto wildly. "KILL IT, KILL IT, KILLLLLLLLL IT!!!"

"I JUST WANTED THE HAT, MAN!!!" Agent HUNK sobbed as he litterally dodged traffic while Urahara chased him through the streets of the busy city.

"KILL THE DEMON!!! KILL IT, BENEHIME!!!" he screamed, swinging his Zanpakto within centimeters of the fleeing Author.

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!" Agent HUNK exclaimed.

Meanwhile, Ichigo and Rukia stood dumbfounded on the side of the street, shocked by what they'd just seen. "Okay..." Ichigo held up a finger, as if trying to point out something. "I would just like to say... that I did not see that coming when we stuffed that Furbie into his bag when he walked past us earlier..."

"Not our fault..." Rukia shrugged as she walked away, calmly sipping on a juice box.

"If he ever finds out we did it, though, we're dead..." Ichigo sighed.

"You're dead..." she corrected. "I'll break his legs if he tries anything on me..."

"Hah!" Ichigo scoffed. "You couldn't break-"

**_WHAM!!!_**

"WHAT THE CRAP?!" Ichigo screamed as he dropped to the ground and grabbed his right knee.

"You were saying?" Rukia tossed a broken clipboard over her shoulder.

"WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?!" Ichigo exclaimed in shock and agony.

"I stole it from Agent HUNK..." she shrugged. "Juice?" she offered him a juice box.

"No thanks..." Ichigo grumbled, holding his knee and trying to keep from crying. "A vacation would be nice though..."

"I'll see what I can do..." she smirked.

* * *

Wow, that was crazy. I'm just trying to break my Writer's Block for sure, so forgive me if that chapter sucked horribly.

Review, please! Although, I won't blame you if you don't, as this chapter SUCKED compared to the others...


	15. Chapter 15

Uuuuurrrrrrgh... I want to write something funny, but nothing good is coming to mind! I want to mess with the Soul Reapers, but I can't think of any good jokes involving them...

I'm problably going to remove all of the interviews from this story and place them in a seperate fic. Or at least copy them into that fic, which will be for Bleach interviews only, of course.

Lets see, anything else? Um... no, don't think so. Now lets see if I can come up with something...

Oh, right, I've gotten some requests and suggestions! I forgot all about those! How silly and rude of me! Mageofautum gave me a few good ones, actually...

* * *

**Bad Hair Days**

"Um... sir?" Renji stared in confusion at his Captain. "Why is there a paper bag over your head?"

Sure enough, Byakuya Kuchiki, one of the coldest, strongest, and most feared Shinigami Captains in the Soul Society, was wearing a paper bag over his head. It even had two little eye-holes cut in it. "That's none of your business..." Byakuya replied coldly. But the paper bag took away any intimidating powers his voice held.

"Sir, did... um... did a man compliment you on your beauty again?" Renji asked with a grimace. The last time that had happened, Byakuya had been quite scarred and had worn a paper bag for three days straight. And he'd also sliced and diced the guy into little tiny pieces, as well.

"No," Byakuya replied. "Nothing of the sort."

"Oh..." Renji nodded. "Do you have a black eye or something?"

"Are you insinuating that I would allow myself to be struck in the eye by something?" Byakuya growled.

"No, sir. I'm just trying to figure out why you've got a bag over your head..." Renji scratched his chin in wonder.

"What's going on here?" Gin Ichimaru suddenly swaggered onto the scene. "Why in the afterlife do you have a bag over your face, Captain Kuchiki?"

"That's none of your business, Captain Ichimaru," Byakuya growled from beneath his bag. Once again, the paper bag made his threats a lot less scary.

"Did you lose a bet or something?" Gin's characteristic smirk deepened. "As I recall, you'r bad about losing bets..."

"No, I didn't lose a bet again," Byakuya shook his head, which resulted in a funny crumpling noise from the bag.

"It was quite funny last time. I can't believe you actually had to-" Gin was interupted by Byakuya's voice.

"If you finish that sentence, I'll tear that smirk and most of your face off of your skull," Byakuya hissed.

"Hm. Scary. And yet the paper bag makes that thread a little less... threatening..." Gin's smirk deepened ever further.

"What's this? A party? Why didn't I get invited?" Kenpachi Zaraki suddenly barged into the conversation. "A costume party, too, by the looks of it..."

"Why's Mr. Baku-Kuchiki got a paper bag on his face?" Yachiru asked innocently.

"I was just wondering that myself..." Kenpachi smirked.

"As were we..." Renji sighed.

"I'm not telling any of you," Byakuya growled. "Not even over my own dead bod-"

Without warning, Yachiru yanked the bag off of his head. "MR. BAKU-KUCHIKI IS HAVING A BAD HAIR DAY!!!" she squeeled. Actually, bad hair day didn't even come close. Bad hair _lifetime_ was more like it. Because the fearsome Byakuya Kuchiki, as tough and powerful as he was, looked like a total idiot without any hair at all.

"Um... sir..." Renji stared in shock at his Captain. "Where did your hair go?"

"Long story..." Byakuya growled, snatching the bag out of the little girl's hands and shoving it back over his head. "Bad experience with candles. You don't need to know." And with that, he stormed off.

Dead silence followed. And then Renji, Gin, Yachiru, and Kenpachi burst into hysterical laughter.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Don't lean too close over a lit candle. 

That gives me an awsome idea. What if several Shinigami's lost bets? I'll have to work on that idea later...

* * *

**Drunken Fist**

In all of her years of cooking, cleaning, and running the house, Yuzu had never made a mistake. Until tonight. She'd somehow served her father and her brother the wrong thing. Instead of pouring them a drink from a bottle of water... she'd poured them sake. And now both men were drunk out of their minds and letting their thoughts flow freely.

"You know... for a knuckle-head... you're a good son..." Isshin sniffed, his cheeks tinged pink by the alcohol.

"And you're... a good dad... Dad..." Ichigo sighed in a drunken stupor.

"Well, at least their getting along..." Karin shrugged.

"I suppose you're right..." Yuzu smiled.

"Hey, Ichigo..." Isshin smirked, "Have I ever... told you about... Drunken Fist?"

"Wassat?" Ichigo blinked dumbly.

"A fighting style... for when your drunk... duh..." Isshin rolled his eyes.

"Why would you... need to know... that?" Ichigo's speech was getting more and more slurred.

"There's a little thing... called... a bar fight... you know..." Isshin smirked.

"Oh... right..." Ichigo nodded slowly.

"Yeah... it goes... like... THIS!!!!!" Without warning, Isshin dove over the table and tackled Ichigo to the floor.

"WHAT THE $&#+ IS YOUR PROBLEM?!" Ichigo yelled drunkenly as he hurled Isshin off of him.

"You hafta be on yer guard!" Isshin replied with a slurred snarl. "At all times!"

"Oh yeah?!" Ichigo growled. "HIYYYAAAA!!!!" And with that, he jumped in the air and tried to perform a spinning roundhouse kick upon his father's face. But instead he ran into a wall. "Ow..."

"When you start seeing double..." Isshin staggered slightly, "Aim _between_ the targets..."

"Good advice..." Ichigo nodded slowly.

"BANZAI!!!!!" Isshin suddenly dove at his son, only to trip over his own feet and smack his head on the ground. "Ow..."

"Feeling a bit tipsy, Dad?" Ichigo smirked.

"Hah!" Isshin laughed as he got back up. "I can hold much more sake than you think..."

"Yeah right..." Ichigo scoffed.

"More than you can, at least..." Isshin bragged.

"Oh yeah?" Ichigo grinned.

"Uh oh..." Karin and Yuzu both knew where this was about to go.

---32 bottles of sake and 7 trips to the liquor store later---

"You kan hold yer alcehol prutty good, son..." Isshin's speech was HORRIBLY slurred now.

"Heh... I told ya so, Daaad..." Ichigo nodded, barely able to keep his balance in his chair.

"But I kan still drink more than you kan..." Isshin grinned.

"Yeah, right... I'm glad Yuzu and Karin already went to bed... Now they don't have to see their Dad get whooped!" Ichigo laughed drunkenly.

"No, they don' hafta watch their brudder get schooled by their Poppa!" Isshin grinned.

"If you win, I'll eat my hat..." Ichigo stated bluntly.

"You don't have a hat!" Isshin chuckled.

"Okay, I'll eat my Zanpakto then!" Ichigo had no idea what he was saying anymore.

"Hah, you think you're soooo tough!" Isshin scoffed. "I use to kill Hollows better than you and Rukia combined!"

"Yeah, right..." Ichigo chuckled.

**_THUD. THUD._**

Both men passed out at the same time. When they woke up the next afternoon, they both had horrible hangovers, couldn't remember the last few things they said, and both swore that they were he winner.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Don't drink and fight. Or brag about being a Shinigami when you're supposed to be keeping it a secret.

Review, please! Requests and suggestions are appreciated!


	16. Chapter 16

Okay, lets see if I can't think of anything half-decent. A few people have been asking for more crab-related hilarity. Since you've all been so nice about it, here's **Crabby III**!

* * *

**Crabby III: Return of the Crab**

"You want a _what_?" Ichigo's eye twitched. He wasn't sure if he was hearing Rukia right.

"A crab," she replied with a meek smile. "For a pet."

"Um..." Ichigo scratched the back of his head, unsure of what to say or do. "A pet crab is are kinda hard to find..."

"Why don't we try the pet store?" she suggested.

"Where would we keep it?" Ichigo sighed.

"A jar? A cage? I'm sure they make things to keep it in," she shrugged. "I'm sure that as long as we don't sit on it, anything will work."

"You pushed me," he replied, detecting the meaning of that comment.

"Shut up and take me to the pet store," Rukia smirked, grabbing Ichigo by the arm and dragging him out the door.

---

"Sold out?" Rukia looked up at the pet store owner, tears welling in her eyes.

"Yep," the old man replied from beneath a large mustache. "I sold the last one this morning. I won't have any-"

"Who'd you sell it to?" Rukia growled, flames of hatred raging in her eyes.

"Hmmmm..." the old man scratched the top of his semi-bald head. "I'm not sure if I want to tell you that..."

"Why not?" she asked innocently.

"You strike me as the homicidal psycho sort of girl..." the old man replied bluntly.

"I WHAT?!" she snarled. Ichigo had to jump and grab her by the arms in order to keep her from gouging his eyes out. "LEMME AT THE OLD MAN!!! LEMME AT HIM!!!"

---

"Great..." Ichigo sighed as he walked down the street with Rukia in tow. "That's the third store you've gotten me banned from this week..."

"Oh, like you were ever going to shop there..." Rukia rolled her eyes.

"For your information," Ichigo stopped and turned to face her with a know-it-all look on his face, "I was going to buy my Dad a fish for his birthday!"

"..." Rukia stared at Ichigo. "But you hate your Dad. Why would you give him a fish?"

"It'll be an Algae Eater," Ichigo grinned.

"An Algae Eater? Who's Algae? Why would you get a fish that eats him?" Rukia was perplexed by this odd species of fish.

"Its a fish that eats green stuff that grows in water. All they do is sit around and suck on the glass. Its pretty lame, which is why I am getting it for him!" Ichigo grinned. But then he pointed at Rukia and frowned. "Or at least I was until you got me banned from the pet store!"

"Ichigo, there's more than one pet store..." she sighed and rolled her eyes.

"What makes you so sure, huh?" Ichigo huffed. "You aren't from around here. You aren't even from this dimension or whatever!"

"Um... Ichigo..." Rukia pointed behind him.

"Hm?" he looked over his shoulder and noticed another pet store down the street. "Uh... right... nevermind..."

"Bakka..." Rukia shook her head, ashamed that she knew such a fool as Ichigo Kurosaki.

---

"Gimme a crab," Ichigo slammed a handfull of money on the counter of the pet store..

"Hm?" The woman behind the counter looked down at him. Tall, gaunt, and wearing too much make-up, she peered over the brim of her glasses and fixed a petrifying gaze upon him. "Don't you have any manners, _boy_?"

"Uh..." Ichigo slunk away from the counter, terrified out of his mind. "I'm leaving. She scares me..." he whispered to Rukia as he headed for the door.

"Get back here..." she growled, grabbing his collar and hurling him back towards the counter.

"Uh..." Ichigo stared up at the creepy lady, his mind gone blank from fear.

"What is it, now?" the woman spat maliciously at him.

"I'd... like to buy a crab... please?" Ichigo timmidly held up a handfull of money.

"What kind?" the woman arched one of her pencil-thin eyebrows.

"What kind would you suggest?" Ichigo gulped. The woman grinned and reached under the counter. She held up a large box, and Ichigo glanced down into it. Horror stricken, he forgot all sense of self control and blurted out the first thing that came to mind: "WHAT THE """" IS THAT THING?!?!"

The woman smiled. "Its called an-"

---

"Horseshoe crab!" Rukia smiled innocently as she held up the large box containing her new pet.

"Um..." Kon stared at the monstrosity. It looked more like a Facehugger from the Alien movies than a freaking crab. With a large curved black shell, spindly legs, and what appeared to be a _stinger_, it was in no way a "cute and cudly critter" as Rukia kept calling it. "Wow... that's... pretty cool..."

"I know, isn't it?!" Rukia squeeled.

"My wallet hurts..." Ichigo sighed under his breath.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Horseshoe Crabs are _**FREAKY**_.

Seriously. Ever seen one? Bizarre. Check out Wikipedia for more info...


	17. Chapter 17

I honestly don't know what to say. Its been a really screwed up existance for me over the last few months. I kinda lost interest in writing due to some serious family issues I had to deal with. I got kinda depressed for awhile, especially after what could be considered the worst day of my life, which I think it would be best not to discuss here right now. 

But have you ever heard the saying "Its always darkest before the dawn?" Well, its true. I hit rock bottom, and began to claw my way back up. Life started to get better. I became my usual happy self again. And then...

I got a girlfriend! I know... Shocking, isn't it? She's absolutely amazing. She's funny, beautiful, and just as crazy as I am. She's a huge anime fan, too.She especially loves Bleach!And she likes to write fan fiction, no less...Since I met her, I've never been happier. So now, after several months of absence, I've decided to start writing again. You can thank my girlfriend's awesomeness and the constant nagging of Dr. Insane-O for this, folks... 

I have a lot of catching up to do, it seems. There are about 5 stories I need to work on, and only a few I actually _want_ to update. I think I'll work on The Shinigami-Father after this update. That's one of my favorite stories, actually... 

So I was sitting here thinking, "Okay, what's something funny I can write about involving Bleach?" I looked over a few previous chapters, and I began to ponder how Rukia reacts to human things, like Furbies and Wii. Then I started thinking about even more normal things, like food. And then it hit me...

Pizza.

* * *

**Pizza Problems**

"What... is it?" Rukia tentatively asked as she stared at the circular object laying on the table between herself and Ichigo. 

"Its called a pizza..." Ichigo sighed. He should have known better than to bring her to a pizza parlor. But they'd just gotten off school, and he was starving. He'd had a little bit of spending money on hand, so he decided to get some pizza. He mentally kicked himself, realizing that Rukia would ask questions about the strange food. Too many questions... 

"Peetsah?" Rukia tried to pronounce the strange word as she prodded the Italian cuisine with a chopstick. It was just a normal pepperoni pizza, with cheese and tomatoe sauce. But to Rukia, it was a bizarre object from another dimension, which for all she knew was capable of devouring her hand in the blink of an eye. That thought actually crossed her mind, and she quickly withdrew her hand from the general viscinity of the pizza. 

"Pizza... Its Italian," Ichigo replied. He immediately hated himself for saying that, though. _Great. Here come the questions about Italy..._

"What's Italian mean?" Rukia asked, still staring at the strange meal in front of her. 

"Its from Italy, which is a country in Europe, which is a continent on another part of the world. Just eat it!" Ichigo growled. He was losing both his patience and his appetite thanks to the raven-haired Shinigami in front of him.

"Okay, okay..." Rukia glared at him. _He doesn't have to be so rude..._ she thought as she prodded the pizza with a pair of chopsticks. She tried to pick a slice up with the wooden utensiles, but all she accomplished was stretching out the cheese and getting sauce all over the chopsticks. And, of course, she had no idea what the sauce was, so the only logical conclussion she could arrive at was that the substance was blood. "Errr... Is it bleeding?" Rukia asked nervously, staring in horror at the "blood"-drenched chopsticks in her hand.

Ichigo had to struggle to keep his laughter subdued. "Heh... no... heh heh..." he sniggered. "That's tomatoe sauce. Its just cheese and sauce on bread, with pepperoni, which is meat, on top of it all. Just eat it!"

"I'm trying!" she growled at the orange-haired idiot. She decided to forsake the chopsticks and try a different set of utensiles. She stood up, walked up to the restaraunt's utensile counter, and grabbed a pair of items Ichigo had recently taught her to use. She then returned to her seat, and began to attack the pizza with a knife and fork.

Ichigo simply could not control his laughter at this point. He began to cackle at Rukia's pathetic attempts at eating the strange meal. "Hah hah hah! Oh wow, Rukia... Its not that hard! Look!" Ichigo then pulled a slice of pizza away from the rest of pie, and held it close to his mouth. "You pick it up with your hands, and take a bite out of it. Its not that hard..." He then placed the slice on a plate in front of him, intent on waiting for it to cool down. The pizza was still quite hot...

"Oooooohhhh..." Rukia slowly nodded her head in comprehension. She then picked up a slice of her own, surveyed every inch of it, and then with a shrug took a bite out of it. 

Almost instantly, she spat the bite out with a yelp, and began to fan her mouth insanely. "ITS HOT!" she squeeled.

"HAHAHAHAHAH!" Ichigo burst into laughter. "Well, DUH! Didn't you see the steam rising off of it? I thought you were smart enough to-"

Ichigo was unable to finish that sentence thanks to Rukia. She took her slice into the palm of her hand, and then smashed the burning hot piece of pizza into the bridge of his nose. The initial force of the blow and the trajectory of the impact sent him flying out of his chair and onto the floor. Ichigo found himself sprawled out on his back, stunned by the force of the hit. The pizza slice was stuck to his nose, and a mixture of cheese and sauce decorated the majority of his face and hair. Rukia had actually hit him so hard that sauce had splattered onto the walls and ceiling around them. 

"Urrrrgggghhhh..." Ichigo groaned. "That hurt... Ow. Ow! OW! AAH!" he suddenly screamed, sitting up and ripping the piece of pizza off his face. He then began to claw at the sauce that covered his eyes and nose. "AAAH! ITS IN MY EYES! OW, IT BURNS! RUKIA, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! AH, ITS UP MY NOSE, TOO! AAAAAAAAHHH!" 

Rukia didn't seem to care. As Ichigo staggered to his feet and blindly ran - while tripping twice on the way- to the bathroom, she casually sat in her seat and enjoyed a new slice of pizza, which had cooled off enough so as not to burn her. "Mmm..." she smiled as she chewed on the delicious food. "This is pretty good, actually... I kinda wish I hadn't hit Ichigo with that slice. I'll probably want more after all of this!"

* * *

Moral of the Story: Isn't it obvious? Making Rukia angry will result in pain and/or pizza sauce up your nose. 

Well, that's all I've got for now... If you have any ideas for another story, please tell me them when you leave a review. Also, I want to do a character interview soon. Should it beIsshin or Renji? Or somebody else entirely?

And somebody mentioned a "Bleach/Saw" parody idea. Interesting concept... I might write a chapter about that, too. Does that sound good? 

Well, thanks for reading this stuff, folks. I'm glad to be back, and I hope you're at least somewhat glad to have me back. Until the next chapter (which hopefully won't be about 6 months from now...), see ya! 


	18. Chapter 18

Yay, lots of hits and reviews! I'm glad to see people still enjoy the stuff I write... It makes writing this junk all worth it! Hah hah...

I recieved several interesting reviews and ideas, including one from "evhein" which involved Byakuya and Renji going on a camping trip. Now, this piqued my interest. I'd intented on making a fic about the silly moments between Renji and Byakuya that surely occur quite often (see previous chapters for examples), but I never got around to it. But now I feel I have enough material to do so. So I'll ask the readers...

Should I start another fic, which features short ficlets about Byakuya and Renji doing silly things and having funny conversations? The majority of the fic will follow their camping trip, while short conversations between them will be posted before each or every other chapter. I think it'd be funny, but I must wonder... will anyone actually read it? BTW, there will be NO yaoi content, for all you ByakxRenj fans out there. At least, not _serious_ yaoi content...

Anyway, lets get a new chapter posted up. Me and my girlfriend came up with this idea earlier, and we quite enjoyed making it up... Enjoy!

I don't own the rights to Bleach or Nerf, btw... Don't sue me!

* * *

**The First Annual Shinigami Nerf Tournament**

Ichigo and Rukia had decided to make a visit to the Soul Society, and they had brought a few things with them. Standing in front of several Captains, Vice-Captains, and high ranking Shinigami, the two began to explain their plan. Between the two sat a large carboard box, filled with strange things. "These..." Ichigo suddenly stated, reaching into the box and withdrawing an item, "Are Nerf Guns."

Holding up the item in his hand, the crowd of Soul Reapers studied the strange weapon. It looked like a gun, which none of them had ever seen, of course, and it fired what appeared to be foam projectiles with rubber tips. "You shoot them at people, like so!" Rukia exclaimed, grabbing one for herself and shooting Ichigo in the stomach with it. The Nerf dart smacked his belly, and then bounced off, flipping through the air a few times before harmlessly hitting the ground. "It doesn't hurt, as long as you don't shoot each other in the face..."

An awkward silence followed. Finally, the silence was broken by the gruff voice of Kenpachi Zaraki. "So let me get this straight... We pick up these strange weapons, and shoot each other with them, just for fun?"

"Yep!" Ichigo and Rukia chimed in unison.

"I think I'm going to enjoy this game..." Kenpachi grinned insanely, his eye sparkling with sadistic joy.

"Are we on teams, or is it every man for himself?" Toshiro Hitsuguya asked after raising his hand.

"We can have teams. Or you can go Lone Wolf, if you'd prefer..." Ichigo shrugged.

"Who are the leaders?" Rangiku Matsumoto enquired.

"I think Ichigo should lead one team, and... um..." Rukia surveyed the Captains in front of her, looking for a good leader. "Kenpachi, would you like to lead the other team?"

"Sure..." the insane Captain grinned, which earned a groan from Ichigo. "What's wrong, Kurosaki? Scared?"

"No..." Ichigo smirked. "I just know you're going to get half your team killed trying to get to me!"

"Hey, Mayuri is the friendly-fire guy, not me..." Kenpachi chuckled, ignoring the profanity laced tirade that began to stream forth from the mouth of Squad 12's Captain.

"Well, everyone grab a weapon!" Rukia exclaimed. "Find a team, and lets get to playing!"

Not long afterwards, the Soul Reapers were divided and armed. Ichigo, in charge of Blue Team, was in command of Rukia, Hitsugaya, and Rangiku Matsumoto. Kenpachi, in charge of the Crimson Team (he refused to lead the "Red" Team, as Crimson was a better description of blood), had Yachiru Zaraki, and his squadmates Ikkaku and Yumichika under his command. Lone Wolves included Byakuya Kuchiki and Renji Abarai, Mayuri and Nemu Kurotsuchi, and Komamura (hah, Lone Wolf... its funny!). Having sectioned off a few empty streets and courtyards of the Seireitei, the participants in the battle wished each other luck... and then opened fire.

Instantly, the simple game became a brutal war.

Ichigo, armed with a Nerf pistol, essentially began to use Rukia as a human shield, ducking behind her every time a dart came his way. Rukia was armed with a Nerf machine gun, so she was able to supress any fire coming in her direction. Hitsuguya and Rangiku, armed with pistols, ran for cover, firing as they went.

Kenpachi was more like a demon than a player. He was armed with two Nerf machine guns, and his hair was filled with extra Nerf darts. Yachiru wasn't fighting; instead, she ran about picking up fallen darts, and brought them back to Kenpachi for use as ammunition. Yumichika was more focused on avoiding being shot than shooting back, and Ikkaku had dissappeared. Having been armed with a Nerf sniper rifle (yes, they're real. And I want one!), it was safe to assume he was seeking a good hiding spot.

Mayuri Kurotsuchi was more focused on studying the weapons than actually using them, and he had tasked Nemu with gathering unused weapons for future study. Byakuya was standing still, not firing at any targets or avoiding the darts striking him, while Renji was rolling about and diving through the air, looking like an action movie star. And Komamura simply ignored the darts bouncing off his helmet, looking for a good person to fire at with his Nerf machine gun.

Of course, the conflict grew even more intense. Kenpachi eventually snapped, and everyone had to run for cover as he went trigger-happy on even his own team. Standing in the midst of the battlefield, he spun about repeatedly, firing continuously with the two machine guns. He laughed as he twirled about, unleashing foamy death on all who opposed him. "Woooo, go Kenny!" Yachiru squeeled from atop his shoulder as she pulled darts from his hair and stuck them in the guns.

And then, a dart struck Kenpachi's nose. The behemoth froze, and began to slowly look around the area, trying to find the person who shot him.

Then he noticed the tree.

As Ikkaku looked down the scope of his rifle, he couldn't help but swear as Kenpachi brought the two guns to bear against his position in the only tree in the courtyard.

A few seconds and almost a hundred Nerf darts later, Ikkaku tumbled from the tree, his entire bald head covered in foam darts tipped with suction cups. "Headshot... 10 points!" Ikkaku moaned as he tried to gather his bearings.

And then, without warning, another team joined the insanity.

The doors of a nearby building flew open, and General Yamamoto burst from the doorway, shirtless and with two Nerf machine guns of his own in hand. "I'll show you young ones how it is done!" he exclaimed as he lit up Kenpachi with rubber-tipped foam death.

And so the chaos continued. Eventually, things started to get violent. A stray dart grazed Yumichika's face, and knocked off one of his feathers. He then proceeded to pistol whip Renji into suubmission. General Yamamoto, being as poweful as he was, started to get a bit too into the game. His power over fire came into play, and soon his darts became flaming projectiles of doom. In fact, one dart struck Ikkaku, and ignited the rest of the darts on his head. Instantly, the poor man's face became a torch, and his screams of fear and pain echoed through the Seireitei as he ran around, begging for help. Eventually, Hitsugaya used his Zanpakto's ice power to put out the flames. And Mayuri Kurotsuchi had taken a hit directly in the face, with the suction cup actually sticking to his eye, refusing to let go. "AAAAAAHHH!!" the 12th Squad Captain screamed, clawing at his face. "MY OCULAR ORGAN! IT WON'T LET GO!! NEMU, HELP MEEEE!!"

Ichigo, having run out of ammo, suddenly found himself in a rather bad situation. Byakuya stood before him, a handfull of darts in his outstretched hand. "Gee, thanks!" Ichigo grinned, reaching for the darts.

Suddenly, Byakuya reached behind his back with his other hand, pulled out a Nerf pistol, and shot Ichigo square in the forehead. "Psyche..." he stated calmly, before turning to walk away.

And then... it happened...

As Rangiku was reloading her Nerf gun, she dropped a dart. And as fate would have it, the dart landed between her over-exposed and over-sized breasts.

Time stopped.

Every male Soul Reaper involved in the conflict froze where they were, and instantly turned to stare at the female Shinigami. In fact, it seemed that even the darts ceased to move in mid-air. Rangiku slowly reached down to grab the awkwardly placed dart, much to the enjoyment of all the men there.

Rukia, however, was not pleased by this sight. Nor was she pleased by Ichigo watching it with a goofy grin on his face. And she let her feelings be known by pistol-whipping Ichigo across the face. "PERVERT!" she yelled as his flailing form hit the ground, and she began to mercilessly whack him in the nose with her now-broken Nerf gun.

Meanwhile, Rangiku was having trouble removing the dart, as it had fallen further down into No Man's Land. Finally, with a sigh, she realized that there was only one way to get the dart. "I guess I'll just have to take my shirt off..." she groaned, rolling her eyes.

The game was promptly cancelled after she did so. Every man there, even Yumichika and General Yamamoto, immediatly suffered a nosebleed of epic proportion, and came very close to bleeding to death. Ichigo came the closest, considering he also lost an extreme amount of blood due to the head trauma recieved during Rukia's beating(s).

There are currently no plans to hold a Second Annual Shinigami Nerf Tournament.

Moral of the Story: Rangiku needs less revealing clothing, and Nerf games are no joking matter in the Soul Society.

That was a fun chapter to write, if I do say so myself... I hope you all enjoyed it! And please give me your feedback on the other story idea! I really want to know what you think...

Thanks for reading! See ya...

-Agent HUNK


	19. Chapter 19

Me and my girlfriend plotted for quite awhile, and couldn't come up with anything. I wanted to write something about Urahara... Maybe he made a new invention, or he gets in trouble with Yurouichi... But nothing came to mind.

Then I got a random mental image of Urahara holding a Poke-ball, looking down at Pikachu, with Urahara's eyes grimly shaded by his hat and a look of abject fear on the Pokemon's face.

Pokemons fans should not read this chapter... Heh heh heh heh heh...

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, Hellsing, Pokemon, or anything else, for that matter!

* * *

**New Merchandise**

"Welcome, welcome, welcome!" Urahara Kisuke exclaimed jovially as two of his favorite customers walked through the front door of his store. He quickly bounded over the counter and landed in front of the two, striking a pose behind his trademark fan. "What can I get for you today?"

"Hello, Mr. Kisuke..." Rukia Kuchiki bowed politely, whilst Ichigo Kurosaki stood by silently, arms folded and a grimace on his face. "We thought we'd stop by and see what sort of wares you had on sale today."

"Ooooooh, you don't say?" Urahara grinned behind his fan, which he began to wave about playfully. "I've actually got some new merchandise! Care to take a look?"

"Sure!" Rukia replied with a smile.

"Why not?" Ichigo shrugged gruffly.

"Step this way!" Urahara exclaimed, waltzing behind the counter and dissappearing behind the wooden structure. A few seconds later, he emerged with a cardboard box held in his hands. "BEHOLLLLLLD!!" he howled dramatically, slamming the box down on the counter and tearing it open. "DEMONS FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION!!"

"EEEEEEEKKK!!" Rukia screamed, instantly hopping into the air and grabbing onto Ichigo. The poor guy barely caught her, and suddenly find himself unable to breath due to her arms squeezing the life from his throat. However, Rukia let go of him once she saw what was in the box. "Um... what are those?" she asked curiously as she dropped back down to her feet. Reaching into the box, she pulled out a small red and white sphere. "Its a plastic ball..."

"Noooooo..." Urahara grinned, wagging his finger in front of her face before plucking the ball from her hand. "Its a _Poke-ball_. It has DEMONS INSIDE IT!!" Once again, Rukia shrieked and jumped into Ichigo's arms. Urahara then slammed the ball down on the ground behind the counter, as if expecting something wonderous to occur. However, all that resulted in this was the sound of plastic breaking and something going splat on the floor. Urahara stared down at the ground for several seconds, before coughing to clear his throat and returning his attention back to the two teenagers. "Um... Oops. Threw it too hard... Annnnyyyyyyyywwwwwwaaaaaaayyyyyyy... Lets try again..." Reaching back into the box, Urahara withdrew another Poke-ball. He then _lightly_ tossed the plastic sphere onto the counter in front of him.

The ball bounced twice across the wooden surface, and then popped open. A blinding white light filled the room, and suddenly a strange blue turtle-esque creature with large big "cute" eyes appeared on the counter. "Squirtle! Squirtle!" it exclaimed with a goofy grin.

"What... What is that thing?" Rukia, still clutching Ichigo's neck, asked as she stared down at the animal, her expression filled with more confusion than fear.

"Didn't ya hear it?" Urahara shrugged. "Its a Squirtle..."

"Squirtle! Squirtle!" the blue turtle... thing... exclaimed innocently, a very goofy grin plastered on its face.

"Why does it have such a goofy look on its face?" Ichigo asked, arching an eyebrow at the strange creature.

"I think it has brain damage..." Urahara shrugged. "Anway... Squirtle!" the shopkeeper suddenly exclaimed, holding up the empty Poke-ball. "Back in the ball!"

"Squirtle?" the creature suddenly looked up at Urahara with a confused look. It then began to shake its head, as if to defy his command. "Squirtle! Squirtle!"

"Back in the ball, or its the spark-spark for you..." Urahara growled in a grim tone, the dark shadow of his hat covering most of his face in a scary manner.

"Squirtle?" the small creature retracted in fear. And yet, it still wouldn't go back in the Poke-ball. "Squirtle! Squirtle!"

"THAT'S IT!!" Urahara roared. He reached under the counter, and then held up a taser. He then jabbed the little blue animal with the device, resulting in the creature screaming and sparks shooting into the air. Rukia and Ichigo's eyes widened in shock and horror as Urahara began to taser and shock the animal into submission. "GET BACK IN THE BALL!! GET BACK IN THE FRIGGIN' BALL, YOU MONSTER!!"

"SQUIRTLE!! SQUIRTLLLLLLE!!" the poor animal howled, tears streaming from its eyes - as well as sparks from its ears - as it clawed its way back into the ball. A bright flash of light later, and the ball slammed shut.

"Hm..." Urahara picked up the ball, and with a bemused smirk, placed it back in the box. "He's a bit of a trouble maker. Would you like to see another?"

"No, not really..." Ichigo and Rukia both shook their heads vigorously.

"Ah, come one... Here's one called Pikachu!" Urahara exclaimed, pulling another Poke-ball from the box. He tossed it on the counter... and nothing happened. "Hm?" he arched an eyebrow. Leaning over the ball, he poked it several times, which resulted in the ball popping open. However, nothing came out. Leaning further forward, Urahara suddenly frowned. "Ah... Well..."

"What's wrong?" Ichigo arched an eyebrow of his own.

"Its... um... dead..." Urahara frowned.

"Dead!?" Rukia gasped.

"Yeah... Looks like he suffocated..." Urahara sighed, slowly closing the ball. "How sad..."

"Don't those things have air holes?!" Ichigo exclaimed in horror.

"Yeah, they do..." Urahara shrugged. "All signs point to suicide, actually. In fact, he had a noose around his neck..."

At that, Ichigo and Rukia darted out the door.

* * *

Moral of the Story: Urahara is not good with animals. Or Pokemon, at least...

I'm a sick indivdual, aren't I? Bwahahahaah...

I have some other ideas, actually. Anybody want a sequal? It involves teleportation! :D

Thanks for reading, folks. See ya next chapter!

-Agent HUNK, devout Urahara fun and hater of Pokemon.


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